Due Dates...and Other Unreachable Goals

She's here

2007-06-08T15:59:00.000-04:00

I know I haven't updated in forever, but on the offchance that some of you are still checking in...

Molly Catherine
born May 30, 2007 via unplanned c-section at 8:35pm
7lbs 6oz
19.25 inches

We're incredibly thrilled. And tired. And overcome.

http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a200/mcmcshelly/Molly/IMG_1452.jpg

http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a200/mcmcshelly/Molly/IMG_1573.jpg

A picture's worth a thousand words...

2006-12-29T09:25:00.000-05:00

Long time no post...

2006-12-16T10:44:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the long absence. I was terrified to post anything positive in the beginning, I didn't want to jinx it. And then pregnancy laziness set in, and I'm afraid that it's not a very good excuse but I was too tired to post. I'm 15w4d today, if you can believe it. My NT scan was good at 12 weeks. Here is a pic from that ultrasound:

Baby is actually sucking its thumb there. We are going to try and figure out the sex on Christmas Eve, and if not my "big" ultrasound is scheduled for Jan. 12th. I can't believe I've made it this far. I know there are no guarantees, but we are beginning to believe that June 5th may actually be the due date that sticks. Thanks for checking in on me.

Houston, we have a...

2006-10-11T07:56:00.000-04:00

Heatbeat! The tech at my OB must have a pretty terrible machine, because as soon as I put the wand in yesterday, my sister could see the heartbeat. Fetal pole, which wasn't even there on Sat., was measuring 5w6d, and the heart rate was 107 bpm. That's a bit slow, but I mean the heart only started beating sometime in the last day or so. So we'll call it OK.

Next ultrasound is next Friday at the OB. Seriously. My sister is going away so I'll have to survive until then.

Very excited! And scared! I know a heartbeat is no guarantee, but our chances must have just gone up, right?

Of hope and heartache

2006-10-10T09:44:00.000-04:00

Well. I must apologize for the long hiatus. I have been trying not to jinx things by saying that everything is OK. And then it wasn't OK. And then it was. And you get the picture.

After the dismal betas I thought we were doomed. The doctor seemed to think those numbers were OK, and ordered a re-draw a week later. No bleeding or anything exciting in between draws, and I was beginning to get hopeful. It was the longest I had ever been pregnant without so much as a spot.

The morning after the re-draw I woke up to see Spot. Our nemesis. I freaked and woke up B, then called Dr. C. I stayed home from work, and Dr. C came over to console me. When she arrived my OB called with the results from the re-draw: 5991.3. That's right, in one week I doubled very very well. But of course I was spotting, so I figured it was all over. They scheduled me for an ultrasound on Monday, Oct. 9.

Dr. C thought that was a bit long to wait, so she brought me back to her hospital and gave me an ultrsound. And lo and behold, we saw the sac, and the beginnings of a yolk sac. It was the first time anything showed up on one of my ultrasounds. The pregnancy was officially not chemical. Two days later, on Sat., she gave me a repeat ultrasound, and it had grown. And we saw a clear yolk sac. B and I were thrilled; the pregnancy was continuing.

And then. Yesterday morning I went to the OB for my first "official" ultrasound. I measured 5w4d, and the sac was empty. Empty! No yolk sac. I was 6w2d yesterday as well. I ovulated late, so the sac could be ok. But who are we kidding. And what happened to the yolk sac? I begged the tech to look again, but she was sure it was empty. So today I took off work (again, let's hope they don't fire me because then we're in real trouble) and Dr. C is going to look again. This will be my 4th ultrasound in a week. Already it's the most photographed pregnancy of all time.

I'm so scared. This is the only pregnancy to implant properly, and double even close to normally. And I think it's heading South. And my 30th birthday is in two days. Crap.

Sad news

2006-09-28T19:15:00.000-04:00

Monday's beta draw (at 13 dpo by my calculations): 183.6
Wednesday's beta draw (15 dpo): 295.6

I didn't double. And I didn't even hit the "66% increase in one day" medical benchmark. So the pregnancy is most likely doomed. I wasn't feeling as pregnant this morning, so I will probably miscarry over the weekend.

I'm heartbroken. And hopeless. 5 miscarriages, all chemical pregnancies, since July 2005. I think the chances of me carrying a baby to term just vanished.

Nervous

2006-09-25T06:08:00.000-04:00

I'm nervous. First beta draw today. I no longer feel pregnant; I was peeing every 5 minutes at 8-9dpo, but today at 13dpo I don't need to anymore. My boobs feel a bit swollen, but not painful really. And this morning's test didn't get darker; it didn't get lighter really but definitely not darker. I know you're not supposed to read the tests like that, but in the past it has always served me well. I knew I lost #3 when the test got lighter one morning.

Sorry to obsess but with my history the pregnancy probably won't last the week. I really, really want this, don't get me wrong. But I don't want my hopes up too much. I think that is the real crime in this problem, that we can't get excited and shout it from the rooftops. I know 3 or 4 women who are all due in April-May of next year, and have already spread the news (weeks ago really!). I saw a bunch of friends this weekend, and had to bite my tongue. Because it's unfair to get them excited, and I don't want to have to make a million "sorry false alarm" phone calls next week.

Today's number won't really mean much. I know it will be positive. I am guessing in the 50 range. But that is as high as my hCG has ever been, so I'm expecting the worst at any time now. But on the upside they are testing my progesterone for the first time ever, while pregnant anyway, so if it is low perhaps they can get me some supplementation. Probably not, but I can hope.

Wow this is a pretty morbid post. Sorry for that. Let's end it on an up note: no spotting yet!

*******************

Edited to add: The stupid OB/Gyn did not mark the progesterone test, so it is only a beta hCG test. Grrrr.

And so it begins

2006-09-23T07:50:00.000-04:00

I would be optimistic and refer to "new life", but I'm afraid and feel like it would be more accurate if I said "new drama". Fingers crossed, OK? First blood draw on Monday, if we make it that far.

11 dpo by the way. Oh and further proof that I am crazy:

OMG

2006-09-21T06:57:00.000-04:00

9dpo. what do you think?

Appointments galore

2006-09-18T07:12:00.000-04:00

I'm about to see a lot of stirrup action in the next few weeks. B and I made an appointment at the fertility clinic, on the advice of the maternal fetal specialist. They're job will be to keep me pregnant, but I need the clinic to get me pregnant. So now I'll have the OB to deliver me, the maternal fetal specialist monitoring me, and the RE all working on this "project". And my test results were all normal. How effed up is that?

Also I have my annual at the OB/Gyn next week. I'm coming around on my feelings for her. She was really great during the whole cyst episode. Which, by the way, is feeling much much better. Just an occasional twinge on that side, and I know that I ovulated from there so it is not too surprising.

Of course, I'm still hoping that we got pregnant the natural way this cycle. I don't know why since it would almost certainly fail again, but there is always hope. I'm feeling weirdly optimistic. You can't see it on my chart, but we had a very good attempt this month. And I started with the baby aspirin again, I'm just going to be careful to take it with a meal and a glass of milk. Today is 6 dpo, so I guess we'll know around the end of the week either way.

I also have a dentist appointment today. I dread those on several levels, but mostly because they know we are trying, and failing. I've had two more miscarriages since my last appointment. When we first started, my hygenist(sp?) assured me that I'd be huge the next time she saw me. And then I wasn't. And now I'm still not. Sigh. They really want me to have an x-ray done too, and I'm going to have to refuse again.

In the meantime, keep your fingers crossed for me. I'd really like to cancel that RE appointment!

Michelle-1; Cyst-0

2006-09-10T15:38:00.000-04:00

Well, my scan was very good. The cyst was completely gone, as was the fluid in my abdomen. I'm feeling better already. However, I had only two follicles, and they of course were both on my left ovary. And they were only 15mm each. I think that is on the small side, especially for CD14. This morning I detected my LH surge, so I will ovulate today or tomorrow. Could my eggs possibly have matured that fast? I think not. So this cycle is probably a wash. But we'll try, because we're silly like that. After I ovulate I'll probably be in pain all over again, I'm still feeling twinges from the fluid in my abdomen. Apparently the damn thing ruptured, and the fluid irritated everything.

So now I'm at a loss. The Clomid probably caused the cyst, although it could have been there already and was merely angered by it. And then the fluid, and the reduced blood flow to my ovary all causing me pain. My regular OB/Gyn has said that I shouldn't try the Clomid again. I will call the maternal fetal specialist, but I think that I will ask for a referral to an RE. I think we're ready. I need someone to watch me, and run all those blood clotting tests that the specialist refused to run.

I told B yesterday that I don't think that this will happen for us. I can get pregnant; but I can't stay pregnant. I can't take the baby aspirin, it irritates me. So even if it is a blood clotting issue, I'm not sure it can be fixed. We've been trying for more than a year, and we have nothing to show for it. We were at a friend's 30th birthday party yesterday, and no joke, every woman there except for me and two others (excluding the aunts and grandparents, of course) had either just given birth, or was pregnant. And newly pregnant, at that. How nice it must be to make an announcement the second the test stick dries!

I'm not sure what we'll do if we can't be parents. The thought takes my breath away.

Apologies

2006-09-08T07:40:00.000-04:00

I am the worst blogger! I never got to write an update before the cruise. So let me catch you up...

The last ultrsound showed a septate cyst on my left ovary, but it was slightly smaller than the scan in the ER. My right ovary had a couple of functional cysts on it, probably from the Clomid. The doctor thought it was a good sign that the cyst was smaller. Still, there was decreased blood flow to the left ovary again. There is still no good explanation for this. I have a repeat scan today, so hopefully the cyst is even smaller. The ovary hasn't been hurting as much lately. But my intestinal issues continue, so I'm not out of the woods yet on that one. My temperature has been normal at least, for a week or so at the end of my last cycle it was running a bit high. Oh, and I didn't get pregnant (no surprise there).

The cruise was great! I was really worried that my ovary would explode or something in a different country, and I would need some third world emergency surgery. But I got through it in one piece, and managed to have a good time. We did sail through Ernesto on the way back, and rough seas kept us from stopping at one of our destinations. I will say that if you are prone to sea sickness, and someone told you that you won't feel the boat move, they were lying! Luckily B and I both were able to enjoy the trip and didn't get sick. One of our excursions had us swimming in a beach stocked with stingrays, and it's pretty creepy that just a few days later Steve Irwin died from a stingray encounter. I'm pretty sure these didn't have their stingers, but it's still creepy.

In other news, I should be ovulating in the next few days. So we're trying, but I'm not holding my breath. I don't want to take baby aspirin while I'm having intestinal problems, and I don't think I can hold a pregnancy without it. I think we're going to have to call in the big guns and go visit an RE.

Also, my 30th birthday is fast approaching. In one month, give or take a few days. I had hoped to have my first child by 30, and as that deadline passed, I had hoped to be pregnant by 30. Now I just hope to be healthy by 30, and have a real plan. That is exactly what I want for my birthday.

Feeling pretty sh*tty

2006-08-23T11:26:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the long absence. I ended up in the ER yesterday. Remember I said that my left ovary was killing me, and I was having intestinal issues? Well, I finally caved and went to get it checked out. Turns out both of my ovaries have one cyst each. A little larger on the right side, surprisingly. And there is fluid in my pelvis, which I'm sure is irritating me. But, the scary thing is that there was decreased blood flow to my left ovary. They think it could be torsion, but I have to go for a follow-up on friday at the OB/Gyn. And now I'm running a low-grade fever to boot. Blech. The cysts are not simple either, they are either complex or hemorragic.

I'm worried because we leave for our cruise on Sunday, and all I want is to feel good for that. And I'm irrationally scared of the big C. If you Google "complex ovarian cysts", you'll see that is not helping, either. The doctor assured me that it's not that, but it certainly isn't good.

As a follow-up, the dog is doing much better!! She keeps scratching at one of the wounds, and re-opening it though. We put an E-collar on her to keep her from licking it. She is at the vet now with B getting a check-up. {One of the commenters asked why we should call animal control, well in this state you are supposed to report any dog bite. They sequester the offending dog to run tests and check to be sure it has all of its shots.} I'm sure the vet is yelling at B right now for not calling, but at least in our case we know our dog has all her shots, so she should be fine.

Oh, and as an aside, in the ER they did a blood pregnancy test yesterday, and it was negative. I'm not sure I can do the Clomid again, especially knowing I already have some pretty evil looking cysts. So I don't know where this leaves us on the reproductive front. I will try to update again after my visit to the OB/Gyn, before we leave for the cruise (hopefully!!). And I apologize for not commenting on any blogs this week, I've been reading but not feeling too spectacular. Not exactly a fountain of hope and good cheer this week.

This vacation isn't the best so far. Hoping your week is better.

I O, I O, It's off to O I go...

2006-08-15T06:40:00.000-04:00

Well, it turns out that Clomid does have an effect on me. When I detected my LH surge, I could actually feel myself ovulate this month. Normally I don't ovulate until the end of the surge, a day (and sometimes 2 days) later. But not this month, I O'd a few hours into the surge.

Unfortunately, my left ovary is killing me this month. Ever since miscarriage number 3 it's been uncomfortable, and contributing to these bouts of intestinal distress. I've consulted Dr. C about it and she seems to think it's no big deal, and not to worry. And my OB/Gyn hates me, so I don't want to call them. B is bothering me to call the specialist, but I keep thinking it will be better and seem like a whiner.

So, now I'm in the two week wait. I'm afraid that I'm not very patient, so you can start taking bets on when I will begin testing. Luckily, I live near a Dollar Tree, and their $1 tests are very reliable. At least I won't put us in the poor house by peeing all our money away. But I've found that Fact Plus (the older style, with the +/- sign) is the earliest detection you can get. And I've peed on many, many different tests. In my experience, First Response is the worst.

In other news, our dog got attacked on Saturday night. B walked her when we got home from the fair (which was good, but not great this year). He was walking past a house a couple of blocks away that has 3 large dogs. Normally, they are kept in a dog pen in the back, or in the house. But that night, they were in the front yard, which has a short, terrible fence. One of the dogs is an Akita, which is a very large, very dog-aggressive dog (they don't like other dogs). Well, our poor 30 pound beagle mix, which was harnassed and leashed, clearly angered the Akita by her mere presence on the sidewalk. The Akita ran under the fence and jumped on our dog, and bit her twice before B could wrestle it off. The owners saw the whole thing, and were very apologetic.

The next day, I noticed some matted fur on our dog, and questioned B. He told me about the attack, and I called the vet. The vet discovered two puncture wounds from the Akita biting her. So she is now on an antibiotic and a steroid. I also found a flea on her, which freaked me out since she is on Front*line, which is supposed to keep that from happening. Blech. Poor kitties had to get flea baths, flea drops, and flea collars in my panic. Dog got her Front*line a few days early, but was in too much pain for a bath. That will come in a few days.

After the vet, we went back to the house with the Akita, and requested repayment of the $120 vet bill we incurred since their dog attacked ours. (Which is not very much, right? I mean, B surmises that if I were the one walking the dog that night, I wouldn't have been able to get the Akita off, and our dog would have died. It is twice our dog's size! And our cat vet bills were in the thousands when she was sick. $120 doesn't even phase me.) The wife starts saying things like her dog is limping now, and what was B doing walking in front of their house anyway? B calmly explained that he was on the sidewalk, and that their dog left their property, off a leash, and attacked ours. If their dog was limping (which it wasn't, it was outside when we got there in the dog pen) it certainly wasn't our fault. Our dog didn't even fight back, it would have been from B throwing it off. Anway, she called her husband, who arrived and was super-apologetic and concerned about our pooch. He was mad that his friends had let the dogs into the front yard, so clearly he knew his dog is a threat. He gave us $150 cash for the vet, and we left them with a copy of the bill and some photos of her injuries. The vet wants us to call animal control, to report the incident, but I can't be responsible for another person's pet being put down. I just can't. B will now walk a differnent route to avoid them altogether.

Cricket, cricket...

2006-08-11T06:24:00.000-04:00

Well, cycle day 13 is here, and still no positive on the ovulation predictor. I guess I'm not ovulating early. I was really hoping the Clomid would help to regulate my cycle a little better (ovulate earlier, longer luteal phase). Blast.

My pregnant co-worker is about to hit her due date. Remember, we had miscarried at the same time last year. I was hoping to be only a few months behind her (and would have been if the March pregnancy had stuck), but now she's going to give birth before I even get pregnant. Sigh, another terrible milestone for me, despite my happiness for her.

You know what I've noticed? There is no good organization for people suffering from recurrent pregnancy loss in the U.S. I searched many times for a charitable-type of place for people to visit (either online or in person) and get some words of comfort, or some facts on what was happening. There seems to be an organization like this in the U.K., but not state-side. Resolve barely discusses miscarriage, though I belong because RPL is a form of infertility. And the March of Dimes is great for prematurity, but also barely mentions miscarriage. So infertiles have a voice, and parents of premature babies, but not miscarriers? No one is advocating for us, and as a result doctors all have different angles on how to treat us, and there is no standard of care.

One of Julie's commenters on her latest post had suggested that infertiles should wear a purple band, to let others know about their struggle. It seems there is a band for everything these days. Wouldn't it be better to have an advocate? Just a thought.

The county fair is in town this weekend. I love to go every year, and will go this year as well. Last year I was pregnant for the first time at the fair. And no doubt there will be babies there this year who will actually be younger than my first baby would have been. I'm not delusional, I know that my pregnancies were only chemical, and that there was never really a "baby". But the potential was there.

Here's to hoping for that same potential this cycle.

Survived!

2006-08-08T07:44:00.000-04:00

I finished the Clomid yesterday, and I didn't even go psychotic (as one of the possible side effects). My intestinal distress continued for most of the time I was on it, but I can't be sure if that was related or not. Otherwise the side effects were pretty minimal. Now I just wait for a positive OPK. I'm curious, if you took Clomid because you normally ovulate a little late, did it make you ovulate early at all? I'm hoping for early.

We went to Mystic, Conn. this weekend with a couple of friends and had a great time. Perfect weather for walking around looking at old boats. And despite the fact that none of us have seen the movie, we still felt compelled to eat at Mystic Pizza. It was good, but it does crack me up.

I'm incredibly impatient, and this waiting thing that infertility forces upon you is awful. B and I were commenting just yesterday that it feels like forever since the last time we tried (it has been since my April cycle actually). And now the pressure is on; I'm taking one of my three Clomid cycles, and if it doesn't work B may need to go job-hunting.

Speaking of job-hunting, my friend that gave birth a week or so ago is now the sole earner in their house. Her husband was fired while she was in the hospital. At least she is a consultant, and can work from home, so she's been working since the day she got back. And they still have insurance, but I don't know how they'll make ends meet until her husband finds a job. It's a scary situation, and I would never want to be there.

We got our cruise tickets yesterday! Only a few weeks until our first real vacation since we began TTC...

Gulp!

2006-08-02T07:49:00.000-04:00

Well, today is the last day before I start fertility drugs for the first time. Tomorrow morning I will take my first Clomid. My period, which usually arrives like clockwork after a luteal phase of 12 or 13 days, arrived early on 12 dpo, after two days of spotting. I know that this is a sign of a progesterone deficiency, and it has never, never in all my menstruating years happened before. My sister (Dr. C) blames the sonohystogram. She said it probably caused the spotting. And the early period? I'm not sure I buy it. Has anyone else, on the cycle of their saline sonohystogram, had an early period or early spotting?

Anyway, so tomorrow is cycle day 5 already. I'm excited to start the drug, and nervous about the side effects. I'm worried that I'll turn into an evil, hormonal b*tch and get myself fired or something. There's also a lot of pressure for this to work, since B may have to get a new job if we need more invasive treatment. Nothing like a little pressure and extra-b*tchy hormonal mood swings to put us in the right mood!

On top of that, we're going away with two of our close friends this weekend. Poor, poor friends for scheduling this trip for the first weekend ever that I'll be in a fertility-drug-induced rage. Hopefully they still like us next week. I will check in either right before we leave or right after we get back with an update on side effects. Come on good egg!

Milestones...

2006-07-28T07:51:00.000-04:00

Our friend had her baby on Tuesday evening, a baby boy! He was 9 lbs 1 oz, and 21 inches long. We went to the hospital to see him on Wednesday, and everyone else left so we could hold him and talk to his parents. We both held him, and he is such a beautiful baby, very cute and alert. I would post his picture, but it's not really my place to do so. You'll have to take my word for it, he is a real looker. I was pleased that I was able to fully feel the joy of that moment, without any sadness or jealousy. Perhaps I've turned a corner, or perhaps I am more vulnerable about pregnancy announcements than to seeing a baby. I mean, how can you resist the disarming qualities of a baby? I can't, it seems.

Our niece, the only grandchild on both sides of our family, turned one year old yesterday. I actually conceived our first baby last year as she was being born, and here we are a year later, still waiting to start a new cycle. I was talking to my sister about this yesterday, and we both surmise that B's sister will probably get pregnant again soon. I don't know how she could be my surrogate and be pregnant, but we won't discuss that further (rolling eyes). I just hope it's me first, please let it be me! (I've already blogged about B's sister, irresponsible, spoiled, etc. and won't continue to bore you with this).

This cycle marks one year of trying, well would have if we could have tried the last two cycles anyway. Yikes.

We booked the cruise! Woohoo! So now we will be on the great open sea for our anniversary, and perhaps to find out that we are expecting again. I hope!! I will start the Clomid next week, after my period arrives.

Gotta run for now, more later this weekend.

Distracted...

2006-07-24T06:49:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the long delay between posts. I've been reading other people's blogs and commenting, but haven't been moved to write for myself. I had a bit of intestinal distress for the last week or so, not that it's an excuse.

I did, however, manage to ovulate during my hiatus. So by my calculations I should start my next cycle around July 31 or Aug. 1. It will make for an interesting test date next month, since B and I celebrate our second wedding anniversary on Aug. 31. Too bad the second anniversary isn't the plastic pee-test anniversary, or I'd be all set.

Last year, following tradition, we both got each other paper gifts. I got B a baby book, and a bunch of photo paper, with the promise that the rest of his gift would surely be here by our next anniversary (hahaha). So naturally, I'm a bit loathe to continue this theme again for our second anniversary. But who was the genius that declared it to be the cotton anniversary?? I have no clever ideas this year, and am open to whatever suggestions you could provide!

In other news, we have a friend who was due to have a baby last week, and she's still pregnant. So sometime this week, I'm sure, we'll have to go and see her baby. I'm happy for her, and sad for us. I was so devastated when we found out she was pregnant, since I had miscarried already and thought we would be the first of our friends to have a baby. And now she's about to deliver, and I'm still not pregnant. I feel like we've lost an entire year, putting vacations and social events and life plans on hold because, hey, we might be pregnant! What a waste of time!

To that end, we are going to go on a cruise during our August vacation, I think. It would be nice to celebrate our anniversary and get away for a real vacation. And we can go and not have to fly anywhere, which is why we haven't gone anywhere since we started trying. (I occasionally have a panic attack on a plane, and carry xan.ax just for that reason, but I wouldn't want to take it during pregnancy.) Of course, once again I will have to be careful in case I am pregnant, so no drinking during the cruise, but it's still better than spending another vacation at home.

That's it really. Not much going on here, these "on hold" cycles are boring. Or less so, since I can drink and not feel guilty. I'm ready to start trying again, though.

One small step for man...

2006-07-16T10:27:00.000-04:00

I know you were all cursing Dr. Witch with me, and I thank you! All of our silent hexing has paid off, as I am now in possession of a one-month (read: 5 pills) supply of Clomid. Would you like to hear the rest of the story? Well, read on!

I was going to wait a week before calling Nurse Nice back to be sure that the Specialist sent the letter to Dr. Witch. I figured, hey I have a few weeks, and I don't want to be a bother. Plus, I figure that the Specialist is busy, and for that matter, so is Dr. Witch. My issue wasn't urgent, I had only called to get this process started, figuring that there would likely be some hitch. Well, to my surprise I receive a call from Dr. Witch herself on Thursday.

Turns out that she took it upon herself to call the specialist, and inquire as to why on Earth I would be calling and asking for Clomid. I mean, doesn't he know that I can get pregnant by myself, without any intervention? Or am I just a loon and making it up, after all she hadn't gotten any instructions from him to prescribe the drug to me? Well, the Specialist (and probably Nurse Nice as well, since she answers the phone) put her in her place! When she called me, the first words out of her mouth were "I will be more than happy to write the prescription for the Clomid!". Like it had just occurred to her, or she thought of it herself.

This is her apparent excuse for being such a witch the first time: I had no idea this is how the Specialist treats cases like yours. (Why would I make it up?) Oh, and "I wanted to warn you about the risks before prescribing the Clomid, so now lets go over them". As if this was all her idea, and the only reason she said no the first time was because I didn't know the risks. This, by the way, is the doctor that didn't know about digital pregnancy tests (and she's an OB!). Dr. Witch then actually calls the prescription in to the pharmacy, despite the fact that I have weeks before needing the drug. I told her I didn't mind coming in to pick up the prescription, I mean the office is at the end of my street, but she insisted. Probably so she wouldn't have to face me.

Now I just need another cycle. I think I am ovulating tomorrow, so two more weeks to go. Why is everything always two weeks away in this infertility game? The last year has flown by so fast, because I'm always holing my breath waiting for something to happen two weeks from now.

Did I mention that 12 months ago we starting trying? That it's been a whole year? Happy anniversary.

Scaramouch

2006-07-12T07:18:00.000-04:00

The group practice that I collectively call my OB/Gyn houses one doctor in particular that I hate more than just about anything else, George W. included. What can any one doctor do to earn such utter contempt, you ask? Well I'll tell you.

During my second miscarriage, I started bleeding actually two or so days before the test even turned positive. I recognized the bleeding as implantation spotting, however, because it was too early to be my period, and very light. As soon as the test turned positive, I went about finding an OB/Gyn (I know. I should already have had a Gyn. Bad me.) This practice is actually at the top of my street, and I fantasized about walking the dog up the street and getting checked when i was really big (Oh, yeah that was when we thought the dog might not turn out to be an asshole. Hah.) Anyway, it is pot luck at the practice when you are pregnant, and the first doctor that I saw was Dr. Witch.

Dr. Witch, unbelieving that I had never been to the Gyn, took my very first Pap smear (negative, phew). She said that my cervix was closed, and everything looked fine. I was still spotting, and very nervous, and asked for a beta test. She flat out said no. Her exact words, I believe, were "that won't tell you anything". I tried to tell her that I could go again in 48 hours, and know whether this pregnancy was good or bad. She still denied me. I cried, and she didn't comfort me. She sent me home with a bunch of pregnancy info, and had the nerve to congratulate me. I will never forgive her for this. She did, however, tell me over and over how much it would cost to have a baby with their practice, and made me sign a paper stating that I understood that I would be liable for the cost if my insurance didn't cover it.

Two days later, the bleeding started to get heavier. I called and again spoke with Dr. Witch. I told her the bleeding was picking up. She asked if I was having any pain, which I wasn't. She told me not to worry about it. I begged again for a beta, and again I was denied. The next day I passed a giant clot, and went into the emergency room, to find that I had miscarried (my beta level was only 27.4).

Anyway, why am I telling you this? Well I called over to the OB/Gyn yesterday to confirm that I had completed my testing and that my specialist was prescribing Clomid, and could I come in and get the Rx? The receptionist couldn't find any documentation from the specialist, so she said she would have a doctor call me back. Guess who called? That's right, Dr. Witch.

Dr. Witch questioned why the specialist would give me, someone who clearly didn't have any trouble getting pregnant (hah!) Clomid. I told her he was trying to scare out a better egg. She disagreed with this, and said that she would have to talk with him before prescribing me anything. I told her that he was going to tell her to prescribe it, and she denied me. UGH. Is it any wonder why I avoided going to the Gyn for so long?

So I call back over to the hospital and leave a message for Nurse Nice, telling her that the specialist would have to speak with Dr. Witch before I could get the Rx. Her voicemail says that she is out for the afternoon, so I don't expect a call back. I say also that I have a couple of weeks, so it is not very urgent. Guess who calls back anyway? Gotta love Nurse Nice, who by the way was at a funeral but didn't want to leave me hanging. I apologized for bothering her, and told her the doctor was not really in the business of helping me. She asked who it was, and I told her the story above. She is as pissed about it as me, and is having the specialist send over a letter. Let's just hope it gets there in time for next cycle.

Nothing to see here, move along...

2006-07-08T11:33:00.000-04:00

Well, the sonohystogram went pretty much as expected. For those of you who need this procedure done, let me warn you about the evils of the metal speculum. UGH. I cried when the Dr. put that thing in, it felt like it was scratching and pinching me the whole time. So the Dr. took it out and requested a pediatric speculum. Um, I've had regular speculums before, I'm sure I'm not that small. Anyway, he couldn't see anything with that in and was getting really frustrated, and asked if I could maybe try it again? So I tried, and it still hurt. No surprise there. Then Nurse Nice busted out the regular, adult sized plastic speculum, and oh, how I was so forever grateful! I couldn't even feel it, but since it was adult-sized the doctor could finally see what he was doing and all was right with the world. There was some intense pain for like 30 seconds when he threaded the catheter through my cervix and filled me with saline. But once that was over I didn't feel any pain, and was able to "enjoy" the view. I was still spotting anyway, but haven't noticed any more than I would normally have this day in my cycle, so all in all, I survived.

The upshot is that he didn't see any structural deformities. I was expecting this, since I've had 5 or so ultrasounds and never had anything abnormal show up. Although I did find out that my uterus is tipped back a bit, but the doctor said this is no big deal and shouldn't be any kind of problem. So testing is officially complete, and we're no closer to knowing anything than before. Everything appears to be normal, and "all systems go". He implied that it was basically just bad ovulation and crap luck. I asked what our next step should be, and he recommends 3 cycles with Clomid, and if that fails, to go straight to injectibles. I also asked about the clotting panels, and he said that losses this early aren't indicative of that problem, and unless I know of someone in my family that has a clotting disorder, he won't test me. He also kept saying things like "at your age, we should move as fast as possible". When did 29 become geriatric? He also kept referring to our 3 losses, because the fourth happened after I had submitted my paperwork. It's just not worth correcting him.

So now I have to call my OB/Gyn and set up an appointment to get my Clomid prescription. For some reason the specialist wouldn't prescribe it. UGH. I guess I need an annual anyway, but geesh, it would be nice to go a few weeks without someone fiddling with my girly parts, don't you think? And so, even though I'm still spotting, now we wait for my period to start so we can try, try again. Here's to Hope.

Diagnosis: Unknown

2006-07-07T06:49:00.000-04:00

Well, there's good news and bad news today. Which do you prefer?

The good news: FSH is 4.9 on cycle day 2. This is a very good number. I was positively glowing for several hours after Nurse Nice gave me the news. It was low last month as well, but I was unknowingly pregnant at the time (although all my other signs didn't show a pregnancy, either). Not that I've been having any symptoms of premature menopause, especially since I've gotten pregnant four times this year, but it's scary since there's nothing you can do about it if it's bad.

Also, I'm having the sonohystogram today. TODAY! Nurse Nice said they only do it between cycle days 7-9, and they're booked on Monday (CD9) and closed on the weekend. So as a compromise, they're squeezing me in this afternoon because they prefer doing it a day early in the cycle rather than a day late. I'm sure this is because they are terrified of sending a little fertilized egg out into the abyss of my abdomen, but little do they know just how very impossible that would be. Of course, I'm still spotting, so gross. But I'm not missing another cycle, so too bad.

The bad news: Well, I'm pretty sure the sonohystogram is going to be clean, so I suspect we are headed for the dreaded "unknown" cause of our miscarriages. I'm going to ask about the clotting panel today since our doctor is doing the procedure. And also about starting with Clomid next cycle, as I think that was the next step if nothing obvious jumped out.

Oh, and my boss and our HR guy pow-wowed with our insurance company, and apparently our company can't add IVF coverage, even if they want to pay for it. You see, there is a clause in the law in my state requiring IVF coverage that allows companies of less than 50 people to basically not cover the procedure, and B and I both work for such a small company. But apparently, our insurance company takes this a step further and decided nobody at a small company can get the coverage, period. You can't even pay for it. So our company is looking at switching insurance providers when the contract expires this fall, but we actually have pretty good insurance, which is a PPO instead of an HMO and doesn't require referrals and such. I don't think anyone wants to switch, and I'm not convinced our company will be willing to pay more to add that coverage and get shittier overall service and options.

My boss said the company would try to help us by making the expense pre-tax, or setting up flexible health spending accounts, but what he's not getting is that any other company in the state and we get this for FREE. So I told B to start reworking his resume. We love our jobs, which is rare, and I hate to think that B would have to give that up and go work for some big corporation, but there's no way we're paying for IVF if we need it, period. So I really, really hope we don't need it.

How do they do it?

2006-07-04T06:16:00.000-04:00

B and I a few weeks ago almost talked ourselves into buying a beach "house". It is this little bungalow (read: shack) about 45 minutes from our house, right on the beach block in a nice area. The only reason we could even consider it is because:

a. It doesn't come with the land, you own the structure but rent the actual sand it sits on
b. It's, well, a shack and less than 5 feet from its closest neighbor on 3 sides

Despite this, it still costs about $300k. But we've been to that neighborhood many times in the last few years because a friend's parents own a house there, and we love it. And it's close enough that we could stop in basically whenever we want. We were picturing going there every summer with a little one (hey, we're dreaming here, right?) and really liking the feel of it. But when we called the banker, we discovered that we would be a few hundred dollars short every month, so we would "need" to rent it most of the summer to be able to really afford it. And that scared us, so we didn't do it. And yes, it is the color of Pep.to Bism.ol.

Maybe if we weren't trying to get pregnant, and unsure of needing to do IVF. Maybe if we didn't think in our heart of hearts that we would be pregnant sometime in the next year or two, and need to pay for daycare after that. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

The reason I'm blogging about this now is that we found out that our friend's brother and his wife just purchased land near their current house to build a new one. And they're keeping their current waterfront home, and their new boat (complete with loan!). And folks, yes land is cheaper where they live (I did say waterfront and not beachfront, they don't live at the beach) and their house cost considerably less than ours, but they're both teachers. Oh, and they have a 2 year old girl, and just found out they're pregnant again (oops!).

I'm afraid we weren't very gracious when we found out. Our friend was telling us that she hadn't been to the doctor yet to confirm it, so not to tell them that we know. I was like, gee, it must be nice to be so sure everything is OK that you tell your sister-in-law the minute the test line comes up positive. And we questioned how they could afford all that when we know what they make?

It is starting to get us down. We see B's sister getting free daycare from his parents, and not planning before she got pregnant. Oh, and now his parents are paying for her daycare next year, because his mom needs a break. ($900 per month!) And then these people can own two houses and a boat on much less than we make. And EVERYONE can get pregnant whenever they want. Meanwhile, we can't buy the shack we want for fear of not being able to properly care for a (fictional, nonexistent) baby that doesn't seem to be coming anyway.

UGH. I'm such a whiner, sorry for that. Did I mention it's cycle day 3? Didn't I tell you it would be today? I got my day 2 FSH check done yesterday, hopefully I'll get results tomorrow when I schedule my sonohystogram. Now let's just hope my eggs aren't crap, to top it all off.

A few things...

2006-06-26T21:28:00.000-04:00

First, I want to say that my body is cruel and horrible. I was having the worst breast pains today, and if there had been any hope for me being pregnant, I would have been so sure! Now, we all know that I can't be, because I haven't, well, you know, this month. Haven't been feeling it lately. A year of GOF leaves you wondering why you ever did it in the first place.

We told my parents this weekend, and they took it pretty well. No stupid comments, erg, except 1. Are you taking a prenatal? and 2. You aren't drinking, are you, because you never know if you're pregnant? Sigh. But that was it, so not too bad, really.

I've added a few things to my blog. You know, to make it more homey. Like where I'm from, and my fertility chart (ha ha ha, oh). It should be renamed to my infertility chart, or "My Failures, As Seen on the Cartesian Plane". And yes, I do have a degree in math. I also added a Google ad, but that is in hopes that Google will recognize my blog sometime this century. A few links might help, so if you are reading and feel so inclined, I would not be opposed to being listed in your blogroll. Really. Not at all.

I am also starting to think about the Other Unreachable Goals that I promised in the title. What would you like to hear about? My asshole dog? And her untrainable self? I'm open to suggestions.

Hopelessly bad timing

2006-06-22T07:25:00.000-04:00

For the first time since we started trying, I have ovulated and there is no chance that I'm pregnant. Of course, this is by design, and by doctor's order. But it's still weird, this no hope thing. I will probably get my period on July 2, although it could hold out until July 3. That means I'll need a blood draw on July 4th, which of course will be impossible. I think sometimes women get the FSH draw on CD2, so I will call next week and ask if I can do this so I don't have to waste another cycle waiting. Stupid national holiday.

My dad was forced to work all of father's day weekend, so my family is gathering on Sunday to celebrate. Dr. C will actually be there, I think, and my brother and his girlfriend. Of course Dr. C knows already, but it will be weird and I'm nervous. My family is the last to know.

I'm a bit sad that our August vacation is rapidly approaching, and we have no plans. Last year we went to the Outer Banks, because we could get there without flying (I'm not a great flyer, and don't want to fly pregnant at all). We also get two weeks in December, and last year we didn't go anywhere. This TTC crap is making vacation planning very difficult. I don't think it's possible for me to be pregnant this August, though I will probably be ovulating, or just past. Anyone know of a nice place to go, driving distance from the northeast? I need ideas.

The sweetest thing...

2006-06-18T09:00:00.000-04:00

B had jury duty this week. We work together, and usually commute together, but this week obviously we went our separate ways. He kept getting out of court early, and supposedly had gone clothes shopping (B just lost about 75 pounds!). The last day he said he had gone to Sears, and no offense to anyone who shops there, but I was a bit dumbfounded. It was a beautiful day, I thought he would go home and let the dog out and bring her to the park or something. So I yelled at him, I was like duh, of course you didn't buy anything there! Why did you even go there!

Long story short, turns out he had gone and bought me some new dishes, ones that I had confessed to liking despite their obvious girliness and cuteness. I'm not usually much of a girly girl, I don't wear makeup or dresses etc. if I can help it. And he planned a picnic lunch. How nice is that? You can see the girliness here...and seriously, I don't know why but I do love them. And it was just out of the blue. I'm so not worthy.

In other news, my OPK just turned positive. I know, we can't even try this month, but I'm a woman obsessed and I had to see. It is CD17, and I test in the am (against the box's wishes) so the surge started yesterday afternoon. I should ovulate today or tomorrow then. Pretty par for the course, although some months I ovulate on CD13. I wonder if Clomid or whatever other horrible fertility drug I end up taking will make me ovulate sooner? That would be great. And do you think that ovulating as late as I do is a sign or perimenopause or something? This worries me a bit, and I know the FSH test will have a lot to say about that, but there's not much we can do to fix this.

Also, we had to rush our dog to the vet yesterday, because her tail no longer wags. I'm totally serious. Usually she wags away, but yesterday when I let her out of her crate, her tail was limp and non-moving. The vet doesn't think it is broken, and gave us some pain meds to see if that helps. She also popped her "anal glands" in case they were impacted and causing the pain. Eww. It was a bit better yesterday evening, but still not normal. Did I ever tell you that we have a sick cat as well? Our cat had a terrible episode of inflammatory bowel disease with ulcers in her stomach last year, and almost died. Diagnosing her, and treating her, cost about $6,000. No joke. She is fine now, and only needs a bit of Pepcid every day to keep her normal. But it wouldn't surprise me in the least if this tail thing is some dread, and expensive disease. Sheesh.

Happy Father's Day to all who are celebrating. Gotta go take B's family out to brunch. First family meal after we told everyone, and father's day as well, I'm sure this will be fun. Wish me luck.

You say tomato...

2006-06-13T08:12:00.000-04:00

So, I was listening to a radio interview about infertility that Tertia did, and the very first thing to discuss was the definition of infertility. Everyone agreed that it was the inability to get pregnant after one year of trying. So my question to you, blogland, is what does that make me?

I have to admit that I see us as infertile. I know, we can get pregnant. I've seen two lines on the pregnancy test, and more than once, too. But what does that really mean if I can't hold the pregnancy even long enough to see anything on ultrasound? All of my pregnancies have been chemical, which is how my specialist defines a pregnancy that never progresses far enough for even transvaginal ultrasound to detect it (see: dildo cam). And like I said, we have a specialist running tests on us, and putting us on fertility drugs. What is the difference if I can pop an HPT?

I know that no hard feelings were meant. And I'm not criticizing, in fact I think it's great that infertility is getting some needed attention from the media. But it did sting a bit. My husband and I are members of RESOLVE because we are unable to have a baby. And I know there are plenty of infertiles who would love to see those two lines, and I hope all of them do. But there is nothing fun about miscarriage, and I hope they don't have to learn about that, either.

I heart Roomba

2006-06-09T11:43:00.000-04:00

My new favorite device is our Roomba. I have to say that having hardwood and tile floors, and two cats and a dog is the perfect combo for this little machine. It really does get the fur off the floor. My kind of gadget; does work for me, makes me look good, easy to use. Two thumbs up.

Not to fear TiVo, you still rock.

Well, there is not much going on in the reproductive front. I have to wait until my next cycle for more tests, and we can't try. So I will have to find other stuff to blog about while we wait. Hence the Roomba rambling.

I'll be away this weekend, so hopefully by the time we get back there will be other stuff to discuss.

She said what???

2006-06-06T07:26:00.000-04:00

Well, B's family is in the know. We told them Sunday afternoon. And a fun conversation that was. B's mom is a nurse, and his brother-in-law works for a (large, famous) fertility clinic. So the questions were sort of good, but also a bit off base. I'm still getting questions like "are you taking your folic acid", like that could have escaped my attention (and that of my many doctors, for that matter) for the past year. B's brother-in-law is the sperm count tester, and his sister offered B a freebie, like that could possibly be our problem after 4 pregnancies in less than a year. And eww, handling your brother-in-law's spooge? Gross.

The real kicker is that I get an email yesterday morning from B's sister offering to be our surrogate. Yes, that's right, our surrogate. As if we are even at that point yet. At it's heart I know it is a very sweet, and selfless, and generous offer. But weird, and early, and unnecessary as well. Thank goodness it was over the e-mail, because it gave me time to compose myself and give her a proper response. And I did manage to squeak one out that wouldn't offend, acknowledged the generosity of her offer, and kind of left it open-ended, hopefully to be forgotten, or laughed about, in the future.

Next, another set of friends this weekend, since we are all going to the beach. And then my parents. Does the fun ever stop?

Out of the closet...

2006-06-04T08:20:00.000-04:00

B turns 30 this week. So one group of our friends took us out to dinner, and we dropped the "M" bomb on them. The couple driving us to dinner is 7 1/2 months pregnant, so we started with them first, in the car. B finally got to speak to someone other than me, and once that tide is started, it can't be stopped. We thought that since they were pregnant, and I *think* they had a bit of trouble conceiving, that they would understand. I swear, later B said that he thinks he knows more about pregnancy than they do.

They started out with, isn't miscarriage normal? So we educated them, and explained a few of the tests being done and such. After dinner, back at our house, my parents had sent B a birthday card, with no kidding here, 5 "father's day" lottery tickets in it. Now, I'm sure those were just the ones available, but B was like, can you believe it? And our friends were confused, so I just blurted out that I was having my fourth miscarriage. They were all pretty quiet about it, but B bought a bunch of fireworks on our recent trip to Ohio and decided to set some off, and only me, him and the men went outside. The women stayed inside and talked about it. Hopefully our pregnant friend filled them in a bit.

After the pregnant couple left, our other friends went to leave. Now, the pregnant friend has a surprise baby shower next weekend. B and I are going away again, but we are going to be close enough that I could come home. But I'm not. I declined. Our other friends are buying a big gift, that I am going in on and signing the card for, but I'm not driving back. So she was telling me that they hadn't forgotten, and that I would get some details today about how much I owed. I told her that was fine, and that I hoped she understood now why I wouldn't be attending. I simply said that I didn't want to be the girl crying in the corner.

Today we are going to B's parents house to tell them. If last night was awkward and hard, today will be much worse. Wish us luck. I have to believe that having some support will be worth the price of our privacy, and of just a little bit of our pride.

Mute...

2006-06-03T08:18:00.000-04:00

So another update. Yesterday I got the results from Wednesday's beta (finally), negative. My OB clearly wasn't going to call me until I called them, twice. UGH. So then I called the maternal fetal specialist, and I got the results of our genetic karotyping.....NORMAL!!! Woohoo! Check one more problem off the list. I was talking to Nurse Nice about how long I should wait for my period before panicking, but then it arrived yesterday evening without any help, yeah!

So in about four weeks, I should get my period again, and I'll then be able to get my FSH draw, and schedule my sonohystogram. Then we won't be able to start trying again till the next cycle. That feels like forever, I know that August isn't really that far away, but we've been trying for a year now and I'm disappointed that we have to wait longer.

We've decided to come out of the proverbial closet, and tell our friends and family what's going on. I don't know why it's so easy to write about it here, but so hard to say it in real life. Last night we had two excellent openings to tell our close friends, who we were hanging out with, and I froze. I just couldn't do it, but oh, how I wanted to. I'm so torn. There is some safety in our secrecy, not having people check in with us to see if there's "news", and such. But. Then there's the loneliness that comes with isolating ourselves, and not being able to talk with our friends and family about our problems. I'm just plain scared.

I don't know why fertility problems spawn this kind of secrecy and shame. It would be much easier if we could unburden ourselves, collectively, and find the support of others going through similar problems. But then why is it so hard to share?

And now, back to our regularly scheduled programming...

2006-06-01T18:18:00.000-04:00

Sorry for being so quiet!! I was away this weekend, at my husband's family reunion. Yawn! But it kept me from posting, so I'll update you all now.

1. My father-in-law is fine, thanks for the well wishes! They couldn't find anything, and they tested for everything! So he came with us after all this weekend, and seemed fine the whole time. Must have been a false alarm.

2. Still waiting for two things: the results of yesterday's beta, and our genetic karotyping. I am stumped about this miscarriage, as I have not started to bleed yet. HPTs are coming up negative, finally, but no bleeding? I'm at a loss. At this point, I think my body is just being vindictive, and purposefully not expelling its contents. I mean, the longer it takes for that to happen, the longer until my next cycle, and only then can I get the FSH draw and the sonohystogram. So basically, we get to try again, never. Sigh.

So really, I'm still in the waiting game. Nothing to report. But I'm still sorry for leaving you hanging like that. I will try to be better.

When it rains...

2006-05-25T07:04:00.000-04:00

Sorry I didn't get to update you after my big appointment the other day. We ended up staying at work until late that night, and then the next morning we got a phone call at 4:45 am. You know that it is never good to get a phone call so early. Well anyway, my father-in-law was rushed to the hospital with chest pain, and we ended up going between the ER and babysitting our niece all day. (It ended up not being a heart attack, but he does have a Pacemaker that seems to be causing him a bit of trouble).

So. My latest beta was 27.2, proving that this pregnancy is failing. No surprise there. Here is the doctor's conclusion based upon our test results and such:

1. The losses are genetic, not hormonal or blood clotting or implantation or such.
2. All of my tests came back normal, so far. We are waiting still for a real cycle for a new FSH draw, and for our genetic karotyping to come back.
3. If we continue to try without any assistance, we will succeed eventually. However, since we are now at 4 straight losses, our chances of carrying to term once we confirm a pregnancy have gone from 70% (normal couple) to 35%. Not great odds. He thinks we will have more losses in the meantime.

So, this is his recommendation:
1. We do a sonohystogram, to be sure my uterus is normal. I'm pretty sure it is, but I'll do the test for the sake of completeness. I've had plenty of ultrasounds which all have been perfect, but it can't hurt. I don't know what we do if this shows a problem, I didn't really pursue it since I don't feel like this is the cause.
2. If the genetic test shows a balanced translocation, we go straight to IVF. He says only 3% of couples have this problem, but hey, probably the same percentage have so many miscarriages and no success, so I wouldn't rule it out. We have no family history to suggest it, but it is possible. We should know in a week or two, that test is sloooooow.
3. If my FSH is high, we go straight to IVF, as time is running out! The draw I did have was normal, but a pregnancy tends to lower the number. And I was pregnant. Hopefully this is not it, especially since high FSH can make it hard to find a clinic to help out. I don't have any symptoms of early menopause or anything, so cross your fingers for me that this isn't it.
4. Shitty ovulation. He seems to think this is our problem. If the other tests all come back normal, we go to Clomid. If after 3-6 months, I don't respond, or I don't get preggo with a keeper, we move on to injectables. Then IVF.

The doc also put me on baby aspirin, and I'm already taking a prenatal.

All this talk of IVF made me call my insurance company. You see, we live in a state that mandates coverage for IVF, but unfortunately there is a loophole, and our company doesn't cover it. So I pleaded our case to my boss (we work together, so it's not like we can just use his insurance instead of mine). Hopefully they come through for us, if we need it.

So as you can see, it was not very enlightening. No answers at all really. But now we can't try for at least two months (one for this miscarriage to resolve, and the next for the sonohystogram). We're looking at August, at best, for our next attempt at this point. Grrrrrr.

Maybe the Fifth Time's the Charm...

2006-05-21T10:54:00.000-04:00

Well, I started spotting today. Despite just finishing my period last week. This whole pregnancy is definitely the most bizzare. But I am just hoping for it to be a miscarriage at this point, and not an ectopic, or some kind of crazy molar or something. If any of you out in blogland find this, cross your fingers for me.

So I think we can chalk this up to four miscarriages now. It can't just be bad luck at this point. The first I thought was a fluke, the second was so close to the first I thought it was my fault. Then the third seemed suspicious, but now there's no doubt. I'm broken. I kill my children. I entice them to my uterus, coax them to implant, and then WHAM. My body spits them out like garbage.

Hopefully the specialist was able to find something amiss in my bloodwork. Though I fear that much of it was tainted by this pregnancy, I know that the genetics tests will still be ok. I'm not sure of what to hope for at this point. And I'm beginning to believe that this may not happen for us. I mean, we got pregnant four times since last July, and I still have no children.

In short, this totally sucks. Suckity suck suck sucks.

In other news, the guy we hired to put our fence up has finally arrived, and started. Egad, we may just have a fence before next winter.

I hope your weekend is going better than mine.

Uh, what the fuck???

2006-05-20T12:45:00.000-04:00

OK, so I am now officially a medical mystery. Let me explain.

I've been having some pain on my left side, for about a week. Not excrutiating, mind you, but nonetheless, pain. I have complained to B, or Mr. Duedates, and left it at that. Of course, I consulted Dr. Google. Everything I read about my pain was scary, and always included the possibility of ectopic pregnancy. Now, we all remember that I just had my period on May 9th? Good. It was a completely normal period. At the expected time in my cycle. And my temperature dropped to proper pre-ovulatory levels. Everything normal. I didn't bother with a pregnancy test, as my body was telling me that it was not pregnant.

I have had abnormal bleeding due to pregnancy before, and this was not it. I was sure. I had my day 3 FSH level drawn, and scheduled my appointment at the maternal fetal clinic. All good.

But this pain, it isn't going away. It could just be gas, but who has gas for a whole week? And the next suspicious thing, I took an OPK test yesterday morning, and it was positive. On the morning of cycle day 11??? Weird. Maybe not for some, but since I have been ovulating around Day 15 or later, definitely weird. But B and I shrugged it off, and like the troopers we are, tried anyway.

So. This morning I take another OPK test, and once again, positive. I bet you know where I'm going with this, right? So I of course, like any true pregnancy-test-aholic, have a stash. I know there is no way I'm preggo, but I have some dollar tests, and this odd pain, and very early positive OPKs...so I did it. I peed on that dollar test, and you know what? POSITIVE. Sonofabitch.

Well, this can't be good. There is no way I've ovulated by cycle day 11, and I've had a normal period since my last egg left the nest. And of course, this pain. So I wake up B, and show him the preggo tests, and say "I think we're in trouble". Ah, the pregnancy announcement of any girl's dreams. I call my sister, Dr. C, next, and break the bad news. She is actually doing rounds when I call, so I get off and call the OB's answering service. Dr. Douche calls back and has the nerve to suggest that it is a false positive, on TWO BRANDS and an OPK. Well. I tell her that, in fact, after close to a year of trying, and 3 miscarriages, I know a freaking positive when I see it. So she tells me to go to the ER.

As expected, there is nothing on the ultrasound, and my beta is a whopping 56.5. Don't laugh, that's the highest confirmed beta I've had to date. But clearly not very good if the last egg I released was on April 26th. And since there is no way for me to be anything but 3 days or 3 weeks since my last ovulation and sexcapade, I'm sure this is very, very bad. But nobody is giving any consideration to this being ectopic. They all think I'm some twit who must've gotten my dates wrong, and congratulations!

We'll show them. I bet it is abdominal, just to show off how absurdly bad I am at this.

Idiots...

2006-05-17T07:45:00.000-04:00

UGH! My OB/Gyn is really the worst. I hand delivered the request to forward my records to the clinic running my tests, and they still lost it. I called on Monday to be sure that they had been forwarded, I figured that a week was enough time. Nurse Nice didn't answer, so I left a message. It turns out that she was on the phone getting the results of my bloodwork, and working on my chart. She said it was uncanny that I called (when she returned my call 30 seconds later, unbelievable). Anyway, she asked me to call them, and I said that I only can get through to some voice messaging system, and that they aren't nearly as responsive as she is. So get this, she was like, don't worry about it, I'll call. I already love this clinic, and I haven't even been there yet!

Well she calls, and eventually I have to fax over a request to them so they can release my records. Nurse Nice said the woman in medical records over there was complaining that my file was too thick. Meanwhile, I've only been there like 3 times, all in the last year, and all related to my losses. I don't get it, they referred me to this clinic, and said that they work with them all the time. Maybe I'm just getting the worst treatment there, ever.

I still have to call and be sure the records got there, but Nurse Nice assured me that they would see me next week, even without them. She said that my losses were so early that they would be looking for problems in my bloodwork, not from my records anyway. Not to mention that I had an ultrasound at the hospital where the clinic is, during my ER visit for miscarriage #2. They should be able to pull the records from that night, no matter what. So I guess it's really happening next Tuesday! I'm a bit scared to know what is wrong. Also, I should be ovulating that day, how ironic is that.

A hard week...

2006-05-13T12:56:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow, when I am visting my mother, I am going to have to plaster a smile on my face and get through the day. B and I will probably also take his mother out for lunch, and I'm sure that we'll get bombarded once again with talk of when I will be celebrating a Mother's Day of my own. You see, our families don't know what we are going through, yet. We have only told a couple of people, including our bosses (I know it's a bit sick and twisted, but we spend more time at work than anywhere else and they were going to start noticing the absences. Also during my last miscarriage I started spotting at work, and of course got upset. Better that they know than fire me for missing time, or think I'm on drugs for crying out of the blue). None of our friends or family know. It is too painful to talk to them.

Also this week is the due date of my second pregnancy. Really it was more like my first pregnancy, since that one was so short I deluded myself into thinking that the HPT was wrong. I of course at least hoped to be pregnant by now, and those dreams were recently crushed after I lost my third pregnancy.

I had my day 3 blood draw on Thursday, did I forget to mention that my period showed right on time? So now we are just waiting, and I assure you that this wait is harder than any other two week wait.

And finally, Cancerbaby, or Jessica as we have recently been told, died this week. I would say that she lost her battle, but she particularly hated that term. I am glad at least that she is no longer in pain. And I'm surprised how much it can hurt to lose someone whom you've never met.

It's going to be a tough week.

A tribute...

2006-05-09T06:41:00.000-04:00

I'm so new to blogging, and to the blogosphere in general, that I probably have one of the smallest blogrolls ever. I only read a select few blogs. These few have all touched me, and I look for updates almost daily.

Most of my online reading, for the past 10 months or so, has been related to baby-making, baby-having, and baby stuff in general. The last few months or so it has started to focus on fertility, and what could be causing my seeming lack of it. As my situation has become more clear, I will also admit to searching for "miscarriage" more than a few times as well. So the first blogs that I stumbled across were all by infertiles, and women trying to have babies.

Among the blogs of infertiles, I stumbled across Cancerbaby. I was drawn to her blog by her honest voice and her strength in the face of cancer. I found it only a few months ago, right around the time when she stopped posting. As I read her archives, I got to know her. Cancerbaby described being diagnosed with cancer as a process of loss. In one instant, you lose your perception of yourself, and of the life you thought you had.

Yesterday, after months of silence broken only by Cancerbaby's friend, we were told that she would no longer be posting. It seems that Cancerbaby is not doing well, that she is losing her battle. I didn't want to comment on her blog, there just aren't words to express how sorry I am, how unfair it is, and how sad it makes me. And, seeing how I'm not a religious person, I can't offer my prayers. I hope that no matter what happens her blog is kept online, so more people can see what true strength and courage are. So many people have been touched by her already. Today, I mourn for my cyberfriend, a woman I have never met, but will also never forget.

And they're off...

2006-05-05T07:41:00.000-04:00

So we got the packet from the clinic that will be doing our pregnancy loss evaluation. I'm going to call the nurse coordinator of the program Nurse Nice, because she is just the best. I've filled out the ten page questionnaire, which seems like a lot but is nothing compared to what some people have to fill out, especially to adopt. Today we go (I say "we" loosely) for our first blood draw. From me, this is what is being tested:

Chromosone analysis
Lupus comprehensive
TSH
B2 Glycoprotein I
Inhibin B
Insulin (hence I've been fasting)
C-reactive protein
Ribosomal P Protein AB

I have no idea what the B2, and protein panels are for. Everything else I understand, but I'll definitely ask the doctor when I meet him.

Today B just gets drawn for a chromosone analysis. He was playing around with his vein in the car yesterday, rolling it between his fingers, and playfully saying what a shame it is that my veins are like buried treasure. So while he'll be in and out, they'll be drilling for oil in my arm. I'm sure that won't leave a mark.

When my period arrives, as it most certainly will, I go to have blood drawn on day 3 to check my FSH. Then we wait for our appt., which is May 23. I'm pretty nervous, and B doesn't quite grasp why. This is going to sound crazy, but when you don't know what the problem is, there is always hope that it was some flukey type thing and the next pregnancy will be fine and normal. But once you know what the problem is, it could be something untreatable. While I want to know, so we can fix the problem, there is some comfort in the unknown.

Uncomfortable Silences...

2006-05-01T19:16:00.000-04:00

B and I had a barbeque yesterday with a bunch of close friends from college. This particular group of friends are mostly single, or what you could call "dinks" (double income no kids). Only one person there had kids. And yet, somehow the conversation kept ending up back at other people's kids, and who is having kids. One of the group, that didn't attend and tends to be more peripheral, just announced she is pregnant. She was a bit surprised, as she always had an irregular cycle before going on the pill, and had spent the last decade on birth control. She figured it would take a while, so she chucked the pill and ended up preggo the first month.

That comment about her being so sure she wouldn't get pregnant hurt. Of course, I on the other hand, avoided the pill for fear it may hurt my fertility, and have always been regular. And after nine months of fertility charting, I can tell you I ovulate every month, even after a miscarriage. And clearly my husband's swimmers are functioning, at least on some level, since we've been pregnant 3 times. It just isn't fair. But then, I guess most things aren't.

Then, one of my good friends corners me, and asks (without any tact) when we are starting our family. I just gave her a short "I don't know". She asked again, to get the same response. And then there was silence. We haven't decided to tell anyone yet. I hope she understands my short response later.

In Other News...

2006-04-30T07:02:00.000-04:00

B and I went to see "Champions on Ice" last night. This is where the best figure skaters in the world each skate a program of their own choosing. We both enjoy watching the Olympics, and we had never been to anything like this before. It was kind of a joke, we called it "runners-up on ice" leading up to the event since, well, it was funny. Our friends all thought we were crazy as well.

I have to admit that I had a good time. The skating was great, and there were a couple of sideshow type acts that were really good. I would have to recommend it if it comes to your area. The only downer was Michelle Kwan, one of the most recognized figure skaters in the world, and who missed her last chance for an Olympic medal this year. She came, but clearly didn't bring her A-game. No jumps at all. Everyone else was really good.

The other annoying thing was the family sitting behind us. While the skaters were on the ice, there was music playing, it is a show. So during a show, it would be polite to be quiet so that others can enjoy the experience. Well, this family wouldn't be quiet! I turned around three times and gave the parents evil eye in an attempt to get them to tell their kids to stop yammering, but to no avail. I guess dogs don't make cats, because the parents were talking too! The event was hardly a sell-out, so B and I moved to a deserted section. I would rather have a slightly worse view, and peace and quiet any day.

Our Journey Begins...

2006-04-28T18:56:00.000-04:00

My husband and I went to the OB today for the follow-up to our latest miscarriage. First off, the doctor didn't mark my chart when I called to tell them the pregnancy was ending, and they thought it was my initial appointment. So I was forced to explain, in front of the whole waiting room, that I had miscarried. Uncool.

The doctor insisted that I get a beta test, despite me telling her that I had already ovulated since the miscarriage. That's fine though. She did a super-quick exam and declared that I could start trying again. I told her we already did. I know you are supposed to wait, but my body has recovered so fast from these early losses, and I read that you may be more fertile right after a loss. So we went for it. The doctor reprimanded us, but at the end of the day it probably won't matter. It took us six months to conceive this past time, I don't expect any miracles now.

The good news is that we got a referral to a maternal fetal specialist, who will do a work-up to figure out the problem. I called and they are so nice! The nurse was so confident that they would find an answer for us. I really hope so! The next step will be bloodwork on cycle day 3 to test my "ovarian reserve", aka to see if my eggs are any good. I'm nervous and excited as our official infertility journey begins. Wish us luck!

Rockstar moment...

2006-04-24T21:12:00.000-04:00

So I just wanted to share a totally random thing that happened today. My husband B and I work together, and usually we commute together. Our commute is 40 miles each way, a longish ride, but not terrible since we always have each other's company. Well today B worked from home because we were having a new floor installed in our family room (parquet!), so I had to make the trek by myself.

Well I don't know about everyone else, but I sing to myself in the car and must look totally stupid. At least as bad as I sound. So I'm totally self-conscious, and if I'm at a traffic light or something I stop, just in case somebody is actually paying attention.

On the highway portion of my trip today I saw a few school buses on the road. I noticed right away that they were full of middle school-aged kids. Now I wasn't terribly well socialized when I was that age, I was something of a late bloomer. I was definitely never considered "cool" by any kid of that age group, especially when I was a teacher (I'm sure I'll get around to ranting about that period of my life eventually). As I approached the first bus, I made sure to stop singing because the kids in the back were definitely paying attention. I ignored whatever gestures they were making in my direction and drove past. The next bus cut over a lane, but in the last bus there was a group of boys looking out the back window desperately waving at me. Normally I would ignore them, but today since I was by myself, I pretended to be cool for a minute and smiled and waved back. They lit up and waved for the 30 or so seconds it took me to overtake the bus. With the fuss they were making, I thought "I almost feel famous."

It was totally random and non-important. But I just thought I'd share my rockstar moment.

Confession...

2006-04-23T20:19:00.000-04:00

I have a confession to make. I know, you're thinking "it's too early for confessions, we've just met!" But why not get this part out of the way, early?

I am totally jealous of my husband's sister. (Is she my sister-in-law? I've never been clear on that, I know if one of my siblings gets married, their spouse would be my in-law, but I'm not sure how that works with your spouse's siblings. Anyway, sorry for the tangent.) Like I was saying, I'm completely jealous. She is 5 years younger than we are, very young by today's standards to be a wife and mom. She knew what she wanted, and she went after it. Now, I'm not saying that how she did it is particularly great. Her daughter, Victoria, is 8 months old this week. She's 24, and her husband is 25. In these parts (I live in the northeast), housing is super-expensive, and to afford their townhouse they both have to work. Not a biggie, lots of people do that. But they went ahead and got pregnant the day they bought their house without telling anyone their plans (no joke--I asked her once how long they "tried", 5 DAYS). Now of course that is fine, except when you expect your mother to babysit for you every day, and go to her own job every night. That's right...she babysits by day and works by night, even after the heart attack she had a couple of years ago. No sleep needed!

The extreme selfishness and thoughtlessness astounded me. Add to that the jealousy that she got what she wanted so effortlessly. And of course the bitterness that my husband and I, as the older children, weren't going to have the first grandchild. UGH.

I know that all sounds petty, and it is. I'm really not that petty all the time! And I love my niece. To pieces. But it makes me wonder why the universe is making our trip so hard.

Introductions...

2006-04-22T09:38:00.000-04:00

Just wanted to introduce myself. My name is Michelle, and my husband of a year and a half is B. We've actually been together for almost 10 years, so that "year and a half" thing doesn't really do us justice. We both turn 30 this year, a milestone year. And of course, turning 30 makes you start thinking about having a family, as your time "may be running out". This thought occured to us last year, and we started "trying".

Being an overachiever, I found TTC websites and message boards, and discovered charting early on. And since I never really thought about how things were working "down there", I also bought ovulation predictor kits, just to be sure everything was OK. Which it was (or so it seemed). The first month of trying we hit paydirt, a positive! Of course, our excitement was short lived, as I developed a nasty wisdom tooth infection, and got my period about 3 days late. I figured, well bad timing, it must have been the infection! So I made an appt and got those buggers removed the next week.

We continued trying, not even missing a beat, and what do you know, I started spotting a few days before my period was supposed to arrive the next cycle. Weird...I tested and it was negative. I began to worry (Google "abnormal vaginal bleeding" to see why) as the spotting continued. Two days into it the test turned positive! Whew! I wasn't dying of some dread disease, it was implantation bleeding! Right! No, wrong. The spotting never stopped. I made (my first ever!) appt at the OB, and begged for beta tests. For an ultrasound. For anything! She told me to relax, many people bleed early on, everything was probably fine. And she congratulated me, and sent me on my way, despite my tears and frustration. Two days later (at about 4 weeks, 5 days) I started passing huge clots. My sister, Dr. C, told me to high tail it to an ER. I did, and they confirmed that my hCG was only 24.7, that it was way too low if my dates were correct, that I was miscarrying.

Well, it was sad, but we were OK. I was so nervous with all the bleeding, about the health of that baby, that it was actually a bit relieving at the time. I figured it was too soon after the other miscarriage, that it was poor implantation! Nothing to worry too much about. So we waited a cycle, and started trying again.

Fast forward 6 months. Six months of perfectly timed sex. Charted and OPK'd and confirmed ovulations. Of course my cycles start getting a bit weird, a bit longer, but I always ovulate, and my period always arrives on time. Nothing. We get worried, and I schedule an appt at the fertility clinic about a week before my period is due. But then, surprise! Positive a few days later. And this time, no spotting! I was so happy, so relieved! I just barely squeaked by getting pregnant before my first due date, which I had naively thought would be a reasonable goal. But we did it! I told my sister (the only person we've confided in about this) and we were ecstatic. I cancelled the fertility clinic appt, and made a new OB appt. They wouldn't see me until 8 weeks since there was no bleeding this time. I begged for an earlier appt, for beta tests, and again they ignored my pleas. But maybe it was OK, I would try to be a "normal" preggo this time.

Well, at about 5 weeks, again, I began spotting. Dr. C rushed me in for an ultrasound, where everything "looked normal", but there was no sac. This could have been normal, but wasn't. The bleeding increased, and I miscarried again.

So, the OB has told me to keep my appt. But it won't be a happy initial pregnancy visit, it will be the beginning of fertility testing. Stay tuned, I have a feeling this ride is just getting started.