She's here

I know I haven't updated in forever, but on the offchance that some of you are still checking in...

Molly Catherine
born May 30, 2007 via unplanned c-section at 8:35pm
7lbs 6oz
19.25 inches

We're incredibly thrilled. And tired. And overcome.

http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a200/mcmcshelly/Molly/IMG_1452.jpg

http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a200/mcmcshelly/Molly/IMG_1573.jpg

A picture's worth a thousand words...

Long time no post...

Sorry for the long absence. I was terrified to post anything positive in the beginning, I didn't want to jinx it. And then pregnancy laziness set in, and I'm afraid that it's not a very good excuse but I was too tired to post. I'm 15w4d today, if you can believe it. My NT scan was good at 12 weeks. Here is a pic from that ultrasound:

Baby is actually sucking its thumb there. We are going to try and figure out the sex on Christmas Eve, and if not my "big" ultrasound is scheduled for Jan. 12th. I can't believe I've made it this far. I know there are no guarantees, but we are beginning to believe that June 5th may actually be the due date that sticks. Thanks for checking in on me.

Houston, we have a...

Heatbeat! The tech at my OB must have a pretty terrible machine, because as soon as I put the wand in yesterday, my sister could see the heartbeat. Fetal pole, which wasn't even there on Sat., was measuring 5w6d, and the heart rate was 107 bpm. That's a bit slow, but I mean the heart only started beating sometime in the last day or so. So we'll call it OK.

Next ultrasound is next Friday at the OB. Seriously. My sister is going away so I'll have to survive until then.

Very excited! And scared! I know a heartbeat is no guarantee, but our chances must have just gone up, right?

Of hope and heartache

Well. I must apologize for the long hiatus. I have been trying not to jinx things by saying that everything is OK. And then it wasn't OK. And then it was. And you get the picture.

After the dismal betas I thought we were doomed. The doctor seemed to think those numbers were OK, and ordered a re-draw a week later. No bleeding or anything exciting in between draws, and I was beginning to get hopeful. It was the longest I had ever been pregnant without so much as a spot.

The morning after the re-draw I woke up to see Spot. Our nemesis. I freaked and woke up B, then called Dr. C. I stayed home from work, and Dr. C came over to console me. When she arrived my OB called with the results from the re-draw: 5991.3. That's right, in one week I doubled very very well. But of course I was spotting, so I figured it was all over. They scheduled me for an ultrasound on Monday, Oct. 9.

Dr. C thought that was a bit long to wait, so she brought me back to her hospital and gave me an ultrsound. And lo and behold, we saw the sac, and the beginnings of a yolk sac. It was the first time anything showed up on one of my ultrasounds. The pregnancy was officially not chemical. Two days later, on Sat., she gave me a repeat ultrasound, and it had grown. And we saw a clear yolk sac. B and I were thrilled; the pregnancy was continuing.

And then. Yesterday morning I went to the OB for my first "official" ultrasound. I measured 5w4d, and the sac was empty. Empty! No yolk sac. I was 6w2d yesterday as well. I ovulated late, so the sac could be ok. But who are we kidding. And what happened to the yolk sac? I begged the tech to look again, but she was sure it was empty. So today I took off work (again, let's hope they don't fire me because then we're in real trouble) and Dr. C is going to look again. This will be my 4th ultrasound in a week. Already it's the most photographed pregnancy of all time.

I'm so scared. This is the only pregnancy to implant properly, and double even close to normally. And I think it's heading South. And my 30th birthday is in two days. Crap.

Sad news

Monday's beta draw (at 13 dpo by my calculations): 183.6
Wednesday's beta draw (15 dpo): 295.6

I didn't double. And I didn't even hit the "66% increase in one day" medical benchmark. So the pregnancy is most likely doomed. I wasn't feeling as pregnant this morning, so I will probably miscarry over the weekend.

I'm heartbroken. And hopeless. 5 miscarriages, all chemical pregnancies, since July 2005. I think the chances of me carrying a baby to term just vanished.

Nervous

I'm nervous. First beta draw today. I no longer feel pregnant; I was peeing every 5 minutes at 8-9dpo, but today at 13dpo I don't need to anymore. My boobs feel a bit swollen, but not painful really. And this morning's test didn't get darker; it didn't get lighter really but definitely not darker. I know you're not supposed to read the tests like that, but in the past it has always served me well. I knew I lost #3 when the test got lighter one morning.

Sorry to obsess but with my history the pregnancy probably won't last the week. I really, really want this, don't get me wrong. But I don't want my hopes up too much. I think that is the real crime in this problem, that we can't get excited and shout it from the rooftops. I know 3 or 4 women who are all due in April-May of next year, and have already spread the news (weeks ago really!). I saw a bunch of friends this weekend, and had to bite my tongue. Because it's unfair to get them excited, and I don't want to have to make a million "sorry false alarm" phone calls next week.

Today's number won't really mean much. I know it will be positive. I am guessing in the 50 range. But that is as high as my hCG has ever been, so I'm expecting the worst at any time now. But on the upside they are testing my progesterone for the first time ever, while pregnant anyway, so if it is low perhaps they can get me some supplementation. Probably not, but I can hope.

Wow this is a pretty morbid post. Sorry for that. Let's end it on an up note: no spotting yet!

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Edited to add: The stupid OB/Gyn did not mark the progesterone test, so it is only a beta hCG test. Grrrr.