Thursday, September 28, 2006

Sad news

Monday's beta draw (at 13 dpo by my calculations): 183.6
Wednesday's beta draw (15 dpo): 295.6

I didn't double. And I didn't even hit the "66% increase in one day" medical benchmark. So the pregnancy is most likely doomed. I wasn't feeling as pregnant this morning, so I will probably miscarry over the weekend.

I'm heartbroken. And hopeless. 5 miscarriages, all chemical pregnancies, since July 2005. I think the chances of me carrying a baby to term just vanished.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Nervous

I'm nervous. First beta draw today. I no longer feel pregnant; I was peeing every 5 minutes at 8-9dpo, but today at 13dpo I don't need to anymore. My boobs feel a bit swollen, but not painful really. And this morning's test didn't get darker; it didn't get lighter really but definitely not darker. I know you're not supposed to read the tests like that, but in the past it has always served me well. I knew I lost #3 when the test got lighter one morning.

Sorry to obsess but with my history the pregnancy probably won't last the week. I really, really want this, don't get me wrong. But I don't want my hopes up too much. I think that is the real crime in this problem, that we can't get excited and shout it from the rooftops. I know 3 or 4 women who are all due in April-May of next year, and have already spread the news (weeks ago really!). I saw a bunch of friends this weekend, and had to bite my tongue. Because it's unfair to get them excited, and I don't want to have to make a million "sorry false alarm" phone calls next week.

Today's number won't really mean much. I know it will be positive. I am guessing in the 50 range. But that is as high as my hCG has ever been, so I'm expecting the worst at any time now. But on the upside they are testing my progesterone for the first time ever, while pregnant anyway, so if it is low perhaps they can get me some supplementation. Probably not, but I can hope.

Wow this is a pretty morbid post. Sorry for that. Let's end it on an up note: no spotting yet!

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Edited to add: The stupid OB/Gyn did not mark the progesterone test, so it is only a beta hCG test. Grrrr.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

And so it begins

I would be optimistic and refer to "new life", but I'm afraid and feel like it would be more accurate if I said "new drama". Fingers crossed, OK? First blood draw on Monday, if we make it that far.

11 dpo by the way. Oh and further proof that I am crazy:

Thursday, September 21, 2006

OMG

9dpo. what do you think?

Monday, September 18, 2006

Appointments galore

I'm about to see a lot of stirrup action in the next few weeks. B and I made an appointment at the fertility clinic, on the advice of the maternal fetal specialist. They're job will be to keep me pregnant, but I need the clinic to get me pregnant. So now I'll have the OB to deliver me, the maternal fetal specialist monitoring me, and the RE all working on this "project". And my test results were all normal. How effed up is that?

Also I have my annual at the OB/Gyn next week. I'm coming around on my feelings for her. She was really great during the whole cyst episode. Which, by the way, is feeling much much better. Just an occasional twinge on that side, and I know that I ovulated from there so it is not too surprising.

Of course, I'm still hoping that we got pregnant the natural way this cycle. I don't know why since it would almost certainly fail again, but there is always hope. I'm feeling weirdly optimistic. You can't see it on my chart, but we had a very good attempt this month. And I started with the baby aspirin again, I'm just going to be careful to take it with a meal and a glass of milk. Today is 6 dpo, so I guess we'll know around the end of the week either way.

I also have a dentist appointment today. I dread those on several levels, but mostly because they know we are trying, and failing. I've had two more miscarriages since my last appointment. When we first started, my hygenist(sp?) assured me that I'd be huge the next time she saw me. And then I wasn't. And now I'm still not. Sigh. They really want me to have an x-ray done too, and I'm going to have to refuse again.

In the meantime, keep your fingers crossed for me. I'd really like to cancel that RE appointment!

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Michelle-1; Cyst-0

Well, my scan was very good. The cyst was completely gone, as was the fluid in my abdomen. I'm feeling better already. However, I had only two follicles, and they of course were both on my left ovary. And they were only 15mm each. I think that is on the small side, especially for CD14. This morning I detected my LH surge, so I will ovulate today or tomorrow. Could my eggs possibly have matured that fast? I think not. So this cycle is probably a wash. But we'll try, because we're silly like that. After I ovulate I'll probably be in pain all over again, I'm still feeling twinges from the fluid in my abdomen. Apparently the damn thing ruptured, and the fluid irritated everything.

So now I'm at a loss. The Clomid probably caused the cyst, although it could have been there already and was merely angered by it. And then the fluid, and the reduced blood flow to my ovary all causing me pain. My regular OB/Gyn has said that I shouldn't try the Clomid again. I will call the maternal fetal specialist, but I think that I will ask for a referral to an RE. I think we're ready. I need someone to watch me, and run all those blood clotting tests that the specialist refused to run.

I told B yesterday that I don't think that this will happen for us. I can get pregnant; but I can't stay pregnant. I can't take the baby aspirin, it irritates me. So even if it is a blood clotting issue, I'm not sure it can be fixed. We've been trying for more than a year, and we have nothing to show for it. We were at a friend's 30th birthday party yesterday, and no joke, every woman there except for me and two others (excluding the aunts and grandparents, of course) had either just given birth, or was pregnant. And newly pregnant, at that. How nice it must be to make an announcement the second the test stick dries!

I'm not sure what we'll do if we can't be parents. The thought takes my breath away.

Friday, September 08, 2006

Apologies

I am the worst blogger! I never got to write an update before the cruise. So let me catch you up...

The last ultrsound showed a septate cyst on my left ovary, but it was slightly smaller than the scan in the ER. My right ovary had a couple of functional cysts on it, probably from the Clomid. The doctor thought it was a good sign that the cyst was smaller. Still, there was decreased blood flow to the left ovary again. There is still no good explanation for this. I have a repeat scan today, so hopefully the cyst is even smaller. The ovary hasn't been hurting as much lately. But my intestinal issues continue, so I'm not out of the woods yet on that one. My temperature has been normal at least, for a week or so at the end of my last cycle it was running a bit high. Oh, and I didn't get pregnant (no surprise there).

The cruise was great! I was really worried that my ovary would explode or something in a different country, and I would need some third world emergency surgery. But I got through it in one piece, and managed to have a good time. We did sail through Ernesto on the way back, and rough seas kept us from stopping at one of our destinations. I will say that if you are prone to sea sickness, and someone told you that you won't feel the boat move, they were lying! Luckily B and I both were able to enjoy the trip and didn't get sick. One of our excursions had us swimming in a beach stocked with stingrays, and it's pretty creepy that just a few days later Steve Irwin died from a stingray encounter. I'm pretty sure these didn't have their stingers, but it's still creepy.

In other news, I should be ovulating in the next few days. So we're trying, but I'm not holding my breath. I don't want to take baby aspirin while I'm having intestinal problems, and I don't think I can hold a pregnancy without it. I think we're going to have to call in the big guns and go visit an RE.

Also, my 30th birthday is fast approaching. In one month, give or take a few days. I had hoped to have my first child by 30, and as that deadline passed, I had hoped to be pregnant by 30. Now I just hope to be healthy by 30, and have a real plan. That is exactly what I want for my birthday.