Feeling pretty sh*tty

Sorry for the long absence. I ended up in the ER yesterday. Remember I said that my left ovary was killing me, and I was having intestinal issues? Well, I finally caved and went to get it checked out. Turns out both of my ovaries have one cyst each. A little larger on the right side, surprisingly. And there is fluid in my pelvis, which I'm sure is irritating me. But, the scary thing is that there was decreased blood flow to my left ovary. They think it could be torsion, but I have to go for a follow-up on friday at the OB/Gyn. And now I'm running a low-grade fever to boot. Blech. The cysts are not simple either, they are either complex or hemorragic.

I'm worried because we leave for our cruise on Sunday, and all I want is to feel good for that. And I'm irrationally scared of the big C. If you Google "complex ovarian cysts", you'll see that is not helping, either. The doctor assured me that it's not that, but it certainly isn't good.

As a follow-up, the dog is doing much better!! She keeps scratching at one of the wounds, and re-opening it though. We put an E-collar on her to keep her from licking it. She is at the vet now with B getting a check-up. {One of the commenters asked why we should call animal control, well in this state you are supposed to report any dog bite. They sequester the offending dog to run tests and check to be sure it has all of its shots.} I'm sure the vet is yelling at B right now for not calling, but at least in our case we know our dog has all her shots, so she should be fine.

Oh, and as an aside, in the ER they did a blood pregnancy test yesterday, and it was negative. I'm not sure I can do the Clomid again, especially knowing I already have some pretty evil looking cysts. So I don't know where this leaves us on the reproductive front. I will try to update again after my visit to the OB/Gyn, before we leave for the cruise (hopefully!!). And I apologize for not commenting on any blogs this week, I've been reading but not feeling too spectacular. Not exactly a fountain of hope and good cheer this week.

This vacation isn't the best so far. Hoping your week is better.

I O, I O, It's off to O I go...

Well, it turns out that Clomid does have an effect on me. When I detected my LH surge, I could actually feel myself ovulate this month. Normally I don't ovulate until the end of the surge, a day (and sometimes 2 days) later. But not this month, I O'd a few hours into the surge.

Unfortunately, my left ovary is killing me this month. Ever since miscarriage number 3 it's been uncomfortable, and contributing to these bouts of intestinal distress. I've consulted Dr. C about it and she seems to think it's no big deal, and not to worry. And my OB/Gyn hates me, so I don't want to call them. B is bothering me to call the specialist, but I keep thinking it will be better and seem like a whiner.

So, now I'm in the two week wait. I'm afraid that I'm not very patient, so you can start taking bets on when I will begin testing. Luckily, I live near a Dollar Tree, and their $1 tests are very reliable. At least I won't put us in the poor house by peeing all our money away. But I've found that Fact Plus (the older style, with the +/- sign) is the earliest detection you can get. And I've peed on many, many different tests. In my experience, First Response is the worst.

In other news, our dog got attacked on Saturday night. B walked her when we got home from the fair (which was good, but not great this year). He was walking past a house a couple of blocks away that has 3 large dogs. Normally, they are kept in a dog pen in the back, or in the house. But that night, they were in the front yard, which has a short, terrible fence. One of the dogs is an Akita, which is a very large, very dog-aggressive dog (they don't like other dogs). Well, our poor 30 pound beagle mix, which was harnassed and leashed, clearly angered the Akita by her mere presence on the sidewalk. The Akita ran under the fence and jumped on our dog, and bit her twice before B could wrestle it off. The owners saw the whole thing, and were very apologetic.

The next day, I noticed some matted fur on our dog, and questioned B. He told me about the attack, and I called the vet. The vet discovered two puncture wounds from the Akita biting her. So she is now on an antibiotic and a steroid. I also found a flea on her, which freaked me out since she is on Front*line, which is supposed to keep that from happening. Blech. Poor kitties had to get flea baths, flea drops, and flea collars in my panic. Dog got her Front*line a few days early, but was in too much pain for a bath. That will come in a few days.

After the vet, we went back to the house with the Akita, and requested repayment of the $120 vet bill we incurred since their dog attacked ours. (Which is not very much, right? I mean, B surmises that if I were the one walking the dog that night, I wouldn't have been able to get the Akita off, and our dog would have died. It is twice our dog's size! And our cat vet bills were in the thousands when she was sick. $120 doesn't even phase me.) The wife starts saying things like her dog is limping now, and what was B doing walking in front of their house anyway? B calmly explained that he was on the sidewalk, and that their dog left their property, off a leash, and attacked ours. If their dog was limping (which it wasn't, it was outside when we got there in the dog pen) it certainly wasn't our fault. Our dog didn't even fight back, it would have been from B throwing it off. Anway, she called her husband, who arrived and was super-apologetic and concerned about our pooch. He was mad that his friends had let the dogs into the front yard, so clearly he knew his dog is a threat. He gave us $150 cash for the vet, and we left them with a copy of the bill and some photos of her injuries. The vet wants us to call animal control, to report the incident, but I can't be responsible for another person's pet being put down. I just can't. B will now walk a differnent route to avoid them altogether.

Cricket, cricket...

Well, cycle day 13 is here, and still no positive on the ovulation predictor. I guess I'm not ovulating early. I was really hoping the Clomid would help to regulate my cycle a little better (ovulate earlier, longer luteal phase). Blast.

My pregnant co-worker is about to hit her due date. Remember, we had miscarried at the same time last year. I was hoping to be only a few months behind her (and would have been if the March pregnancy had stuck), but now she's going to give birth before I even get pregnant. Sigh, another terrible milestone for me, despite my happiness for her.

You know what I've noticed? There is no good organization for people suffering from recurrent pregnancy loss in the U.S. I searched many times for a charitable-type of place for people to visit (either online or in person) and get some words of comfort, or some facts on what was happening. There seems to be an organization like this in the U.K., but not state-side. Resolve barely discusses miscarriage, though I belong because RPL is a form of infertility. And the March of Dimes is great for prematurity, but also barely mentions miscarriage. So infertiles have a voice, and parents of premature babies, but not miscarriers? No one is advocating for us, and as a result doctors all have different angles on how to treat us, and there is no standard of care.

One of Julie's commenters on her latest post had suggested that infertiles should wear a purple band, to let others know about their struggle. It seems there is a band for everything these days. Wouldn't it be better to have an advocate? Just a thought.

The county fair is in town this weekend. I love to go every year, and will go this year as well. Last year I was pregnant for the first time at the fair. And no doubt there will be babies there this year who will actually be younger than my first baby would have been. I'm not delusional, I know that my pregnancies were only chemical, and that there was never really a "baby". But the potential was there.

Here's to hoping for that same potential this cycle.

Survived!

I finished the Clomid yesterday, and I didn't even go psychotic (as one of the possible side effects). My intestinal distress continued for most of the time I was on it, but I can't be sure if that was related or not. Otherwise the side effects were pretty minimal. Now I just wait for a positive OPK. I'm curious, if you took Clomid because you normally ovulate a little late, did it make you ovulate early at all? I'm hoping for early.

We went to Mystic, Conn. this weekend with a couple of friends and had a great time. Perfect weather for walking around looking at old boats. And despite the fact that none of us have seen the movie, we still felt compelled to eat at Mystic Pizza. It was good, but it does crack me up.

I'm incredibly impatient, and this waiting thing that infertility forces upon you is awful. B and I were commenting just yesterday that it feels like forever since the last time we tried (it has been since my April cycle actually). And now the pressure is on; I'm taking one of my three Clomid cycles, and if it doesn't work B may need to go job-hunting.

Speaking of job-hunting, my friend that gave birth a week or so ago is now the sole earner in their house. Her husband was fired while she was in the hospital. At least she is a consultant, and can work from home, so she's been working since the day she got back. And they still have insurance, but I don't know how they'll make ends meet until her husband finds a job. It's a scary situation, and I would never want to be there.

We got our cruise tickets yesterday! Only a few weeks until our first real vacation since we began TTC...

Gulp!

Well, today is the last day before I start fertility drugs for the first time. Tomorrow morning I will take my first Clomid. My period, which usually arrives like clockwork after a luteal phase of 12 or 13 days, arrived early on 12 dpo, after two days of spotting. I know that this is a sign of a progesterone deficiency, and it has never, never in all my menstruating years happened before. My sister (Dr. C) blames the sonohystogram. She said it probably caused the spotting. And the early period? I'm not sure I buy it. Has anyone else, on the cycle of their saline sonohystogram, had an early period or early spotting?

Anyway, so tomorrow is cycle day 5 already. I'm excited to start the drug, and nervous about the side effects. I'm worried that I'll turn into an evil, hormonal b*tch and get myself fired or something. There's also a lot of pressure for this to work, since B may have to get a new job if we need more invasive treatment. Nothing like a little pressure and extra-b*tchy hormonal mood swings to put us in the right mood!

On top of that, we're going away with two of our close friends this weekend. Poor, poor friends for scheduling this trip for the first weekend ever that I'll be in a fertility-drug-induced rage. Hopefully they still like us next week. I will check in either right before we leave or right after we get back with an update on side effects. Come on good egg!