Milestones...

Our friend had her baby on Tuesday evening, a baby boy! He was 9 lbs 1 oz, and 21 inches long. We went to the hospital to see him on Wednesday, and everyone else left so we could hold him and talk to his parents. We both held him, and he is such a beautiful baby, very cute and alert. I would post his picture, but it's not really my place to do so. You'll have to take my word for it, he is a real looker. I was pleased that I was able to fully feel the joy of that moment, without any sadness or jealousy. Perhaps I've turned a corner, or perhaps I am more vulnerable about pregnancy announcements than to seeing a baby. I mean, how can you resist the disarming qualities of a baby? I can't, it seems.

Our niece, the only grandchild on both sides of our family, turned one year old yesterday. I actually conceived our first baby last year as she was being born, and here we are a year later, still waiting to start a new cycle. I was talking to my sister about this yesterday, and we both surmise that B's sister will probably get pregnant again soon. I don't know how she could be my surrogate and be pregnant, but we won't discuss that further (rolling eyes). I just hope it's me first, please let it be me! (I've already blogged about B's sister, irresponsible, spoiled, etc. and won't continue to bore you with this).

This cycle marks one year of trying, well would have if we could have tried the last two cycles anyway. Yikes.

We booked the cruise! Woohoo! So now we will be on the great open sea for our anniversary, and perhaps to find out that we are expecting again. I hope!! I will start the Clomid next week, after my period arrives.

Gotta run for now, more later this weekend.

Distracted...

Sorry for the long delay between posts. I've been reading other people's blogs and commenting, but haven't been moved to write for myself. I had a bit of intestinal distress for the last week or so, not that it's an excuse.

I did, however, manage to ovulate during my hiatus. So by my calculations I should start my next cycle around July 31 or Aug. 1. It will make for an interesting test date next month, since B and I celebrate our second wedding anniversary on Aug. 31. Too bad the second anniversary isn't the plastic pee-test anniversary, or I'd be all set.

Last year, following tradition, we both got each other paper gifts. I got B a baby book, and a bunch of photo paper, with the promise that the rest of his gift would surely be here by our next anniversary (hahaha). So naturally, I'm a bit loathe to continue this theme again for our second anniversary. But who was the genius that declared it to be the cotton anniversary?? I have no clever ideas this year, and am open to whatever suggestions you could provide!

In other news, we have a friend who was due to have a baby last week, and she's still pregnant. So sometime this week, I'm sure, we'll have to go and see her baby. I'm happy for her, and sad for us. I was so devastated when we found out she was pregnant, since I had miscarried already and thought we would be the first of our friends to have a baby. And now she's about to deliver, and I'm still not pregnant. I feel like we've lost an entire year, putting vacations and social events and life plans on hold because, hey, we might be pregnant! What a waste of time!

To that end, we are going to go on a cruise during our August vacation, I think. It would be nice to celebrate our anniversary and get away for a real vacation. And we can go and not have to fly anywhere, which is why we haven't gone anywhere since we started trying. (I occasionally have a panic attack on a plane, and carry xan.ax just for that reason, but I wouldn't want to take it during pregnancy.) Of course, once again I will have to be careful in case I am pregnant, so no drinking during the cruise, but it's still better than spending another vacation at home.

That's it really. Not much going on here, these "on hold" cycles are boring. Or less so, since I can drink and not feel guilty. I'm ready to start trying again, though.

One small step for man...

I know you were all cursing Dr. Witch with me, and I thank you! All of our silent hexing has paid off, as I am now in possession of a one-month (read: 5 pills) supply of Clomid. Would you like to hear the rest of the story? Well, read on!

I was going to wait a week before calling Nurse Nice back to be sure that the Specialist sent the letter to Dr. Witch. I figured, hey I have a few weeks, and I don't want to be a bother. Plus, I figure that the Specialist is busy, and for that matter, so is Dr. Witch. My issue wasn't urgent, I had only called to get this process started, figuring that there would likely be some hitch. Well, to my surprise I receive a call from Dr. Witch herself on Thursday.

Turns out that she took it upon herself to call the specialist, and inquire as to why on Earth I would be calling and asking for Clomid. I mean, doesn't he know that I can get pregnant by myself, without any intervention? Or am I just a loon and making it up, after all she hadn't gotten any instructions from him to prescribe the drug to me? Well, the Specialist (and probably Nurse Nice as well, since she answers the phone) put her in her place! When she called me, the first words out of her mouth were "I will be more than happy to write the prescription for the Clomid!". Like it had just occurred to her, or she thought of it herself.

This is her apparent excuse for being such a witch the first time: I had no idea this is how the Specialist treats cases like yours. (Why would I make it up?) Oh, and "I wanted to warn you about the risks before prescribing the Clomid, so now lets go over them". As if this was all her idea, and the only reason she said no the first time was because I didn't know the risks. This, by the way, is the doctor that didn't know about digital pregnancy tests (and she's an OB!). Dr. Witch then actually calls the prescription in to the pharmacy, despite the fact that I have weeks before needing the drug. I told her I didn't mind coming in to pick up the prescription, I mean the office is at the end of my street, but she insisted. Probably so she wouldn't have to face me.

Now I just need another cycle. I think I am ovulating tomorrow, so two more weeks to go. Why is everything always two weeks away in this infertility game? The last year has flown by so fast, because I'm always holing my breath waiting for something to happen two weeks from now.

Did I mention that 12 months ago we starting trying? That it's been a whole year? Happy anniversary.

Scaramouch

The group practice that I collectively call my OB/Gyn houses one doctor in particular that I hate more than just about anything else, George W. included. What can any one doctor do to earn such utter contempt, you ask? Well I'll tell you.

During my second miscarriage, I started bleeding actually two or so days before the test even turned positive. I recognized the bleeding as implantation spotting, however, because it was too early to be my period, and very light. As soon as the test turned positive, I went about finding an OB/Gyn (I know. I should already have had a Gyn. Bad me.) This practice is actually at the top of my street, and I fantasized about walking the dog up the street and getting checked when i was really big (Oh, yeah that was when we thought the dog might not turn out to be an asshole. Hah.) Anyway, it is pot luck at the practice when you are pregnant, and the first doctor that I saw was Dr. Witch.

Dr. Witch, unbelieving that I had never been to the Gyn, took my very first Pap smear (negative, phew). She said that my cervix was closed, and everything looked fine. I was still spotting, and very nervous, and asked for a beta test. She flat out said no. Her exact words, I believe, were "that won't tell you anything". I tried to tell her that I could go again in 48 hours, and know whether this pregnancy was good or bad. She still denied me. I cried, and she didn't comfort me. She sent me home with a bunch of pregnancy info, and had the nerve to congratulate me. I will never forgive her for this. She did, however, tell me over and over how much it would cost to have a baby with their practice, and made me sign a paper stating that I understood that I would be liable for the cost if my insurance didn't cover it.

Two days later, the bleeding started to get heavier. I called and again spoke with Dr. Witch. I told her the bleeding was picking up. She asked if I was having any pain, which I wasn't. She told me not to worry about it. I begged again for a beta, and again I was denied. The next day I passed a giant clot, and went into the emergency room, to find that I had miscarried (my beta level was only 27.4).

Anyway, why am I telling you this? Well I called over to the OB/Gyn yesterday to confirm that I had completed my testing and that my specialist was prescribing Clomid, and could I come in and get the Rx? The receptionist couldn't find any documentation from the specialist, so she said she would have a doctor call me back. Guess who called? That's right, Dr. Witch.

Dr. Witch questioned why the specialist would give me, someone who clearly didn't have any trouble getting pregnant (hah!) Clomid. I told her he was trying to scare out a better egg. She disagreed with this, and said that she would have to talk with him before prescribing me anything. I told her that he was going to tell her to prescribe it, and she denied me. UGH. Is it any wonder why I avoided going to the Gyn for so long?

So I call back over to the hospital and leave a message for Nurse Nice, telling her that the specialist would have to speak with Dr. Witch before I could get the Rx. Her voicemail says that she is out for the afternoon, so I don't expect a call back. I say also that I have a couple of weeks, so it is not very urgent. Guess who calls back anyway? Gotta love Nurse Nice, who by the way was at a funeral but didn't want to leave me hanging. I apologized for bothering her, and told her the doctor was not really in the business of helping me. She asked who it was, and I told her the story above. She is as pissed about it as me, and is having the specialist send over a letter. Let's just hope it gets there in time for next cycle.

Nothing to see here, move along...

Well, the sonohystogram went pretty much as expected. For those of you who need this procedure done, let me warn you about the evils of the metal speculum. UGH. I cried when the Dr. put that thing in, it felt like it was scratching and pinching me the whole time. So the Dr. took it out and requested a pediatric speculum. Um, I've had regular speculums before, I'm sure I'm not that small. Anyway, he couldn't see anything with that in and was getting really frustrated, and asked if I could maybe try it again? So I tried, and it still hurt. No surprise there. Then Nurse Nice busted out the regular, adult sized plastic speculum, and oh, how I was so forever grateful! I couldn't even feel it, but since it was adult-sized the doctor could finally see what he was doing and all was right with the world. There was some intense pain for like 30 seconds when he threaded the catheter through my cervix and filled me with saline. But once that was over I didn't feel any pain, and was able to "enjoy" the view. I was still spotting anyway, but haven't noticed any more than I would normally have this day in my cycle, so all in all, I survived.

The upshot is that he didn't see any structural deformities. I was expecting this, since I've had 5 or so ultrasounds and never had anything abnormal show up. Although I did find out that my uterus is tipped back a bit, but the doctor said this is no big deal and shouldn't be any kind of problem. So testing is officially complete, and we're no closer to knowing anything than before. Everything appears to be normal, and "all systems go". He implied that it was basically just bad ovulation and crap luck. I asked what our next step should be, and he recommends 3 cycles with Clomid, and if that fails, to go straight to injectibles. I also asked about the clotting panels, and he said that losses this early aren't indicative of that problem, and unless I know of someone in my family that has a clotting disorder, he won't test me. He also kept saying things like "at your age, we should move as fast as possible". When did 29 become geriatric? He also kept referring to our 3 losses, because the fourth happened after I had submitted my paperwork. It's just not worth correcting him.

So now I have to call my OB/Gyn and set up an appointment to get my Clomid prescription. For some reason the specialist wouldn't prescribe it. UGH. I guess I need an annual anyway, but geesh, it would be nice to go a few weeks without someone fiddling with my girly parts, don't you think? And so, even though I'm still spotting, now we wait for my period to start so we can try, try again. Here's to Hope.

Diagnosis: Unknown

Well, there's good news and bad news today. Which do you prefer?

The good news: FSH is 4.9 on cycle day 2. This is a very good number. I was positively glowing for several hours after Nurse Nice gave me the news. It was low last month as well, but I was unknowingly pregnant at the time (although all my other signs didn't show a pregnancy, either). Not that I've been having any symptoms of premature menopause, especially since I've gotten pregnant four times this year, but it's scary since there's nothing you can do about it if it's bad.

Also, I'm having the sonohystogram today. TODAY! Nurse Nice said they only do it between cycle days 7-9, and they're booked on Monday (CD9) and closed on the weekend. So as a compromise, they're squeezing me in this afternoon because they prefer doing it a day early in the cycle rather than a day late. I'm sure this is because they are terrified of sending a little fertilized egg out into the abyss of my abdomen, but little do they know just how very impossible that would be. Of course, I'm still spotting, so gross. But I'm not missing another cycle, so too bad.

The bad news: Well, I'm pretty sure the sonohystogram is going to be clean, so I suspect we are headed for the dreaded "unknown" cause of our miscarriages. I'm going to ask about the clotting panel today since our doctor is doing the procedure. And also about starting with Clomid next cycle, as I think that was the next step if nothing obvious jumped out.

Oh, and my boss and our HR guy pow-wowed with our insurance company, and apparently our company can't add IVF coverage, even if they want to pay for it. You see, there is a clause in the law in my state requiring IVF coverage that allows companies of less than 50 people to basically not cover the procedure, and B and I both work for such a small company. But apparently, our insurance company takes this a step further and decided nobody at a small company can get the coverage, period. You can't even pay for it. So our company is looking at switching insurance providers when the contract expires this fall, but we actually have pretty good insurance, which is a PPO instead of an HMO and doesn't require referrals and such. I don't think anyone wants to switch, and I'm not convinced our company will be willing to pay more to add that coverage and get shittier overall service and options.

My boss said the company would try to help us by making the expense pre-tax, or setting up flexible health spending accounts, but what he's not getting is that any other company in the state and we get this for FREE. So I told B to start reworking his resume. We love our jobs, which is rare, and I hate to think that B would have to give that up and go work for some big corporation, but there's no way we're paying for IVF if we need it, period. So I really, really hope we don't need it.

How do they do it?

B and I a few weeks ago almost talked ourselves into buying a beach "house". It is this little bungalow (read: shack) about 45 minutes from our house, right on the beach block in a nice area. The only reason we could even consider it is because:

a. It doesn't come with the land, you own the structure but rent the actual sand it sits on
b. It's, well, a shack and less than 5 feet from its closest neighbor on 3 sides

Despite this, it still costs about $300k. But we've been to that neighborhood many times in the last few years because a friend's parents own a house there, and we love it. And it's close enough that we could stop in basically whenever we want. We were picturing going there every summer with a little one (hey, we're dreaming here, right?) and really liking the feel of it. But when we called the banker, we discovered that we would be a few hundred dollars short every month, so we would "need" to rent it most of the summer to be able to really afford it. And that scared us, so we didn't do it. And yes, it is the color of Pep.to Bism.ol.

Maybe if we weren't trying to get pregnant, and unsure of needing to do IVF. Maybe if we didn't think in our heart of hearts that we would be pregnant sometime in the next year or two, and need to pay for daycare after that. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

The reason I'm blogging about this now is that we found out that our friend's brother and his wife just purchased land near their current house to build a new one. And they're keeping their current waterfront home, and their new boat (complete with loan!). And folks, yes land is cheaper where they live (I did say waterfront and not beachfront, they don't live at the beach) and their house cost considerably less than ours, but they're both teachers. Oh, and they have a 2 year old girl, and just found out they're pregnant again (oops!).

I'm afraid we weren't very gracious when we found out. Our friend was telling us that she hadn't been to the doctor yet to confirm it, so not to tell them that we know. I was like, gee, it must be nice to be so sure everything is OK that you tell your sister-in-law the minute the test line comes up positive. And we questioned how they could afford all that when we know what they make?

It is starting to get us down. We see B's sister getting free daycare from his parents, and not planning before she got pregnant. Oh, and now his parents are paying for her daycare next year, because his mom needs a break. ($900 per month!) And then these people can own two houses and a boat on much less than we make. And EVERYONE can get pregnant whenever they want. Meanwhile, we can't buy the shack we want for fear of not being able to properly care for a (fictional, nonexistent) baby that doesn't seem to be coming anyway.

UGH. I'm such a whiner, sorry for that. Did I mention it's cycle day 3? Didn't I tell you it would be today? I got my day 2 FSH check done yesterday, hopefully I'll get results tomorrow when I schedule my sonohystogram. Now let's just hope my eggs aren't crap, to top it all off.